The Hindu Business Line : A <I>doosra </I>from Dalmiya

ONCE again Dalmiya has bowled a doosra. While it is sad to see the last man at the crease, Pawar looking powerless and walking back to the pavilion, in the ongoing BCCI tussle, one may legitimately feel there's enough to do in agri rather than fritter away the time in Kolkata. To tickle all of us, Dally is the Board's Patron-in-Chief, a three-year post especially created for him just three weeks before his term ends.

A neat kick upstairs, you can't say, because he has hopped up to the new slot like a smart Spiderman. From the fanciful throne, Dally would watch his man perform as the Board's new president, provided his lawyers clear the cobwebs that detractors manage to weave. But these things always happen when a top man refuses to simply go away and insists on reincarnating himself in different forms, like the proverbial virus leaping from one part to another, or old wine that simply changes newer bottles.

The main problem is of appropriate titles. New name that is chosen should not only look grand but also indicate sufficient importance. Words such as `head' or `chief' help. Thus, you can keep your receptionist happy by calling her `director of verbal communication', without offering any berth on the board. Try naming your scavenger `technical sanitation personnel', and you can see the effect as a cleaner loo. This is called uptitling, they say in the HR industry, because of its quick effect in making the recipient turn his or her nose up in the air.

Be liberal in the use of words such as `head', `principal', `V-P', `special' and so on in titles. Push out old names such as officer and executive and plug in funky titles. Such as? Call your secretary `Admin Co-ordinator' and see the effect. What to call the old, bespectacled Finance Officer? How about a whimsical `Debits and Credits' label for his office? Lest your HR man go green with envy, boost his spirits with a suitable name: `Chief Morale Officer,' because it is not immoral to make people happy through a simple office memo. If you are imaginative enough, use words such as `Evangelist', `Guru' and `Therapist' too liberally. "CitiBank continues to call its management trainees Vice-Presidents, although it's an open secret in informed corporate circles that they are mere trainees," notes an article in www.assureconsulting.com. So, what's wrong if the US President automatically is a.k.a. `the leader of the free world'?

Professionalised positions are such as chartered accountant, company secretary and so on, we think, but calling telephonist a `voice data executive' is both functional and respectful. In an era of computer files, the old filing clerk becomes more appropriately a `data storage specialist' and the lowly despatch staff can be re-designated `logistics co-ordinator' to increase the average speed of tapal movement.

If a barber is now a hair-artist or head technician, a butcher can be a `meat-orologist'; and you can call your maid not thayi or ayah, but `helpdesk'. However, when back at work as a helpdesk staff in your company, look for something as wacky as Eff-One.

Names don't mean anything, cynics would scowl, because titles are just a put-on. By that reasoning, nothing should change in BCCI and its dalliance with Dally's ways would go on.

SayCheek@TheHindu.co.in