The Hindu Business Line : Does shyness stick out like a wart on the nose?

Tell the truth, the half-truth, and nothing but the half-truth. Not a lesson for auditors, but a shy-buster, that is, from Leil Lowndes in Always in the Kitchen at Parties, from Harper. Allude to your shyness in a light-hearted fashion, so you don't make others the least bit uncomfortable, advises the author in just one of the 66 tricks that can help you `say goodbye to butterflies and blushing'.

Shyness is SAD or social anxiety disorder, informs the intro, in which Lowndes confesses: "I used to stand on the sidelines at parties wishing my dress matched the wallpaper to make me invisible."

One of the initial chapters is `the confidence warm-up' to make you become unglued. `Wake up like a whacko' ritual is to run around your room `in your underwear and flap your arms like a demented duck' plus `shout like a crazed football fan', and `jump up and down like a rabbit on speed'... For the bold ones, there is the `cot test' devised by Zimbardo and Jerome Kagan, using a weird toy such as `a creepy black rubber spider'!

Parents who exert maximal control over a child's activities and decisions can negatively influence the child's sense of control over his or her environment, cautions a note. Another reads: "By pushing the child to change, thus appearing insensitive and intrusive, fathers may have influenced their sons to become less inhibited."

Shybuster 10 counsels, "Don't burn yourself with the `shy' branding iron." The shy virus can become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you carry it like a baggage, warns Lowndes. "About 13 per cent of people in Western countries are lifetime shys... And 40 per cent say they are still anxious about themselves and the impression they're making." What will be the numbers closer home?

Does shyness stick out like a wart on the nose? No, says the author. "Ninety per cent of the time nobody can tell. And if by chance they do pick up on it, they don't dislike you for it." Useful insight is this: "Shys think everybody is concentrating on them, when people are preoccupied with themselves."

Another lifesaver tip is to stop looking for rejection, because "99 per cent of the time, you are wrong if you think someone is rejecting you." Conversely, you can become `a sucker for rejection' by choosing toxic friends. "Do not try to socialise with people who you know do not accept you. It sabotages your self-esteem."

A chapter on making eye contact easy suggests that you can start from the over-70 set and work your way down "until you can look comfortably into the eyes of people your own age." A technique that you can put to practice is to say `I like you' silently, even while keeping eye contact.

Section VIII is about `parties and other places in hell'. The first prescription is to never avoid a party unless you have a note from your doctor. Well, how to prepare for the party? Should you `ponder erudite subjects or plan polemic worthy of a university debating team'? No. "Simply be prepared to discuss the headlines of the day, local politics, who's doing what with whom, yada yada yada."

Ready for the party?

SayCheek@TheHindu.co.in