The Hindu Business Line : When you pause, three good things happen

If you think that you are successful because you are skilled, smart or experienced, you may be in for surprise. "Eighty five per cent of your ability to succeed at anything depends on your ability to win people over, to convince them - to charm them," say Brian Tracy and Ron Arden in The Power of Charm, from Amacom (www.amacombooks.org) .

Oh no, you may turn away, shunning inputs on `table manners, good looks, or being a snappy dresser'. Wait, this is different. The book is `about something more profound'. Because true charm goes beyond mere appearance, say the authors. "It's that ability some people have to create extraordinary rapport that makes others in their presence feel exceptional. Charm has an engaging quality to which we respond powerfully and emotionally, almost instinctively."

It is `social intelligence', that is, "the ability to interact, converse, negotiate with and persuade others." Thankfully, you needn't be born with charm! You can develop this, assure the authors; for, "charm is not some mystical ingredient that is found in our genes." To help, the book offers scores of `proven methods' of interacting with others `in a way that makes them open to you and receptive to your message'.

With charm, you `get listened to and often get extra chances'. But, to charm, you need five `A' behaviours, viz. acceptance, appreciation, approval, admiration, and attention. The simplest signal of acceptance is smile, because it can make the other person's self-esteem jump. In the process, the smiling-you become charming, `even before you open your mouth'.

The appreciation technique isn't difficult to practise, either; say, `thank you' on every occasion, for any large or small reason, advise the authors. Pay attention to the last `A', attention, because it is the most important. It is illustrated in this snatch from the first chapter titled `charm in action': "When he speaks to you, it's as though you're in a cocoon with him. No one exists in the world for him but you. And when he listens, he listens as though every word you say is important and needs his undivided attention."

Your `charm quotient' can get a boost from `four keys to effective listening'. First key is to listen attentively. How to listen `as if you are transfixed by what the other person is saying'? Also, listen in complete silence, without interrupting.

Second key is to pause for three to five seconds before replying, instead of `jumping in as soon as the other person takes a breath'. Were you to pause to ask how pause helps, the authors point out that when you pause, three things happen, all of them good. One, you give the benefit of the doubt to the other person; perhaps, he is `just pausing to reorganise his thoughts before continuing.' Two, your pausing tells the other person that what he said is important and that `you are considering it carefully'. And three, "you actually hear the person, not only what he said, but what he meant, at a deeper level of mind."

Key three to effective listening is to question for clarification; that way, you aren't assuming that you know what the other person meant by what he said. And the fourth key is to feed it back by paraphrasing it in your own words.

Here is a sure-fire line to charm at least half the world's population, from Tracy and Arden: "Women are wonderful listeners." How so? "When a woman communicates, according to MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) scans, fully seven centres of her brain are involved. In men, it is only two."

A book worth listening to... by the other half!

SayCheek@TheHindu.co.in