The Hindu Business Line : Belling the boss!

Yes, you have read it right! I did not mean belling the cat, but belling the boss — which is lot worse and far more dangerous! The boss is no mewing cat, although he may have some of the feline qualities: Playing cat-and-mouse; having nine lives; landing on his feet whichever way he falls; stalking, lying-in-wait and pouncing on you when least expected; smirking, after dealing you a hard blow, like a cat which has had its fill of cream; or even, like the Cheshire cat , doing the vanishing act, leaving only the grin behind!

To let you know why a boss is a boss, I must begin at the beginning.

Bosses, as everyone working under them knows, come in all shapes and sizes, mood swings and manias, temperaments and tantrums. But one thing they have in common: To leave no one in any doubt who’s the boss!

To proceed further, we need to hit upon the definition of a boss, hit the nail on the head, as it were, preferably of the boss! Let that pass, we can’t have everything our way in this unjust world.

Where were we? Oh, yeah, the definition. See if you agree with this: A boss is one who has the largest room in the executive suite, on entering which you have to walk half-a-mile to reach his table of the size of a football ground. (Do not take these measurements seriously. They are put down the way they seem to an average subordinate.) You think this won’t do? Too obvious, you say? OK, let’s keep trying.

A boss is one whose word is law, whose very whisper is like the thunderclap of a command, who suffers from a severe allergy to the word No from anyone he bawls at, who demands compliance yesterday to orders he issues today. Better, you say, but still does not capture the full gamut of the detestation. Let’s try again.

Famous fable

A boss is one whose very thought fills your innards with dire forebodings, who inspires you to rehearse in your own mind, as you spruce yourself up to enter his room, the exact phrases for asking a raise, the bright brainwaves you want to pass on to become his blue-eyed boy, or the thousand ways of ticking him off for his boorish behaviour, and then as you stand before him, makes you gulp and feel squashed into a pulp! Better, you say, but still does not bring out the nefarious nature of the beast? OK, boss, I mean, buddy, I give up. Let’s not get stuck in this morass, but move on.

At least the mice in the famous fable got together in a solemn conclave and deliberated on the belling of the dreaded cat. Has there ever been comparable daring shown by the denizens of any outfit to discuss the belling of the boss?

The answer is an obvious and instant No. Guessing the reason is the easiest, simplest thing in the world: If walls have ears, the boss is one big ear and nothing more. If the cat can see in the dark, the boss does one better: He can unerringly spot a black mouse in a pitch dark room from a far-away black hole in space.

Also, where is the guarantee that one of the crowd conspiring to bell the boss will not rat on the rest of his comrades and set the boss on the warpath? History is replete with double agents and fifth columnists (as if four columnists are not four too many!)

Remember, if you ever entertained the thought of belling the boss, and hear the bell toll, ask not for whom it tolls: It tolls for thee!

B. S. RAGHAVAN

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