The Hindu Business Line : GTB is `going to bed'

ONE more calamity has struck the finance world with such dramatic force as an earthquake of sorts. As a result, what we are left with is a big ship called GTB with gaping holes caused by torpedoes shot from inside. Predictably, when everybody shouted `help, help,' the lighthouse operators swung their beams to find this chap called OBC idling on the shore and told him to rush to the accident scene. So, he is chugging along as unwillingly as he can, but will take a full three months to come.

Meanwhile, the Finance Minister has confidently stated that "deposits are reasonably safe," meaning `your money is so safe as in a safe that has its lock jammed that you can't take cash out of it right now.'

Elsewhere, all the Reddy's men and women are filling in first-aid kits for airdropping on the sinking vessel. "Eat well, sleep well," the employees are being told, "because nobody will be thrown out." But those forlorn fellows are stretching out a map of India on the deck to plot all the branches of OBC that could become the ultimate destinations for those of GTB who get trans-shipped.

Strangely, some of the bearded copywriters and creative brains in ad agencies are also sad: Because soon brand GTB will cease to exist. There is talk that in OBC too there are people who are puzzled as to how they would digest what is being thrust down their gullet.

It is rumoured that some of the big shareholders on the ship stole whatever lifeboats were available and left the night before the storm, quake, gas leak, iceberg collision or whatever. The smaller fry with high hopes hinged on their paper possessions of GTB shares have learnt through emergency wireless about the hopeless situation since "the entire amount of the paid-up capital and reserves of GTB shall be treated as provision for bad and doubtful debts and depreciation in other assets of OBC." Plus, since OBC would make calls and collect arrears from shareholders, many of these small investors are making tiny boats with the scrip and having good fun.

Apart from newspaper correspondents and TV crews that are crowding on the decks to snatch a sob story from almost every depositor and employee, there are a few management consultants trying to get authentic stuff for their next case study in the B-school on the mainland.

An onboard computer with Net connection is helping everybody send out weepy-s and get back smileys. Somebody tried out Google and asked of it the one question that is top on the minds of more than half the affected population: "What is GTB?" You know that cyber link from mid-sea takes time to work because of choppy conditions, so those around started guessing answers. One said, "Gelli the Bully," and others started improvising the `b' to butcher, barber and so on. Gelli didn't object because he wasn't around.

By now, however, the computer answered with a whole list of expansions for GTB, and here is a partial list: Gay Teen Boys (band), General Tool Box, General Terms of Business, Global Transaction Banking, Global Trust Bank, Go To Bed, Going To the Bathroom, Good Time Boys (movie), Grand Tourer Bilstein (Subaru Legacy model), Greater-The-Better (principle), Global TB, Greg the Bunny (TV show), Grid Toolbox (IBM), Grow the Business, Guidance Telemetry Building, Genting (Malaysia, airport code), Gran Turismo Berlinetta (Ferrari model).

Satisfied that they had chased GTB to its logical conclusion, everybody dispersed because it was already time to go to bed.

SayCheek@TheHindu.co.in

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GTB is `going to bed'