The Hindu Business Line : The great leap backward

The Cabinet room was crackling with excitement. Small groups huddled together exchanging whispers, as they waited for Mr Dharma Raja, the Prime Minister, to come in. And, suddenly, the room went quiet as the Prime Minister walked in with his Cabinet Minister for Education. As he settled down in his comfortable chair, he waved generously and added, "Please take your seats. We have important matters to discuss and it is time to begin." The Cabinet Ministers took their seats, sitting at the very edge, so as to not miss a single word.

Turning to the Minister for Education, Mr Bhim Sen, the Prime Minister said, "Mr Sen, I understand that you have some very important news to give us." Mr Sen was overcome with joy. Eyeing the Prime Minister's seat, he said, "Respected colleagues. I have a very important piece of news. Our Backwards Education policy is now in effect. Using the full might of the Centre, we are now implementing the policy in all government, government-aided and private colleges." Wild applause broke out as the Prime Minister reached out across the table and shook Mr Bhim Sen's hands.

As the applause died down, Mr Abhistu Raman, the Junior Minister for Sanitation, nervously spoke up, his voice quivering with fear, for he was a mere novice in the company of giants. "Sir," he said, addressing Mr Sen. "Would you please elaborate on how this policy will work?" Mr Sen turned to him, annoyed and spoke in a loud patronising voice, "We expect our Junior Ministers to read all our position papers? Still, I will explain, for this is a matter of national importance. Very simply, our Backwards Education Policy requires that all educational institutions only admit unqualified students."

There were cheers and a couple of ministers thumped the table, thinking they were in Parliament. "But Sir," persisted Mr Abhishtu, in a querulous voice. "Forgive me. But why would we admit unqualified students? Have the qualified students not struggled to qualify for admission?" Mr Bhim Sen was now clearly annoyed. "Mister Abshistu Raman," he thundered. "You are a smart young man. Tell me, who needs education more? Is it the forward fellow or the backward fellow?" As he looked around the room, it resonated with the sound of "Backwards of course!" Mr Bhim Sen looked on approvingly and said, "See. It is obvious. Our Backwards Education Policy is built on sound logic."

The Prime Minister, who believed in some good give and take, now decided to take charge. "Thank you, Mr Bhim Sen for your clarifications. You have done our party and the country yeoman service in introducing this new policy." Then he turned towards Mr Naku Lah, the Minister for Industries, whose Cabinet berth remained shaky. "Mr Naku Lah," he said, "What policies do you have that help our country?" Mr Naku Lah was ready, for he knew that the moment of reckoning was nigh. "Sir," he said, as he nodded to his aide behind him, "I have just signed off on a new policy that is being given to each one of you. It is titled the Backwards Jobs Policy of the Central Government." He paused, while the eager Ministers perused the document and then continued, "Following the insightful leadership of Mr Bhim Sen, I have declared that all government departments and private employers will be required to give preference to unqualified job applicants."

Anticipating close questioning, he looked around the room and said, "After all, who needs the job the most? The qualified person should look for another job." Pausing for effect, he continued, "The unqualified person, and there are more of them. So, shall we go forward or backward?" As the logic pierced through the room like a ray of sun on a foggy Delhi morning, the room erupted again, "Backwards of course!"

Mr Abhistu Raman, in a weak thin voice, ventured, "But sir, would the work not suffer if we had less qualified employees?" Mr Naku Lah pretended not to hear and the Prime Minister nodded wisely, and asked for tea with cream biscuits to be served to the tireless servants of the nation.

He then turned to Mr Saha Dev, Cabinet Minister for Railways and Entertainment, and said, "Mr Saha Dev. Do you have anything for the nation to help with transportation and entertainment issues?" Mr Saha Dev stood up ponderously, for he was a serious man with two cream biscuits on his plate. He surveyed the room and spoke with gravitas, "Friends. I have taken Mr Bhim Sen's wisdom to its logical conclusion. I have finalised two new policies that I call the Backwards Transportation Policy and the Backwards Entertainment Policy. I have issued instructions to all metro and mainline railways that all trains shall now only go backwards. The driver shall blow the horn and move in a direction opposite to its destination."

As the Minister paused, a momentary silence descended, as the Cabinet, absorbed the genius behind the plan. Then a spontaneous applause broke out, punctuated by shouts of "Bravo, Bravo." Decidedly encouraged, Mr Saha Dev continued, "On the Backwards Entertainment Policy, I have notified the theatre operators and Doordarshan, that all films and TV shows be shown backwards." Looking around the room, he said, "Do you all agree? Should we go forward or backward?" The room erupted again, "Backwards of course!" and a smart-aleck junior minister was heard saying, "How does it matter? Desi films are equally good forward or backward."

As the room took on a festive air with ministers doing High-Fives with under secretaries and the attenders serving samosas and jilebis without authorisation, the Prime Minister looked directly at Mr Abhishtu Raman, challenging him mentally to dare to ask his next question. Mr Raman shrank back and swallowed his doubts, unwilling to meet the eyes of the leader of the nation.

The Prime Minister sipped his masala tea and leaned back with satisfaction, savouring the moment. The upcoming elections were surely in the bag. He could see the banners and the hoardings in his mind's eye: "We take you Backward — Guaranteed!" His cup of joy was filled to the brim and he wondered how it could get any better. At that moment the door opened and in came the Official Message Bearer to the Cabinet, resplendent in his turban. In his two outstretched hands, he carried a large ornate silver plate. He bowed to the Prime Minister and placed before him the platter on which rested a folded sheet of paper.

The Prime Minister hesitated for a moment, for missives on a silver platter could also be dismissive. But he was a man of no mean mettle and so he took a deep breath and unfolded the paper, while the rest of the room held its collective breath. The tension was palpable and even Mr Abhistu Raman stopped his nervous twitching. The Prime Minister unfolded the paper carefully and started reading. He read it once and smiled, and read it again to fill his private cup of joy. Finally, after reading the message a third time while smiling broadly, he looked around the room which was now eagerly awaiting the news and said tremulously, "Colleagues, friends, countrymen. This is our moment in the sun. Our policies have been vindicated. This paper that I hold comes from his Excellency the Secretary-General of the United Nations." The entire Cabinet erupted into applause and the air was thick with flying jilebis.

Unnoticed was Mr Abhishtu Raman, Minister for Sanitation, who had slipped into a coma and lay twitching under the decorative oval table, scattering half-eaten samosas. Calming his cheering team with a wave of his hand, the Prime Minister continued, "By this communication," he said, "His Excellency, the Secretary-General wishes to let us know, that by virtue of the enlightened policies that we have formulated, we have been elected, unanimously elected, as the Most Backward Nation on Earth."

(The author is a freelance writer.)

More Stories on : Politics | Social Welfare

Article E-Mail :: Comment :: Syndication :: Printer Friendly Page

Stories in this Section
Devolve to develop

India Inc can sow a paradigm shift

Can democracy ensure economic discipline?

The great leap backward

Have income, give subsidies

Explaining the stock market correction

Listing criteria