The Hindu Business Line : What do you do if your auditors sleep like tenured profs?

Thursday 5 a.m. And the ring of the long-distance call almost threw me out of bed. "Hello," I said, with a sleepy voice, managing to stumble and pick up the handset. "Many happy returns of the day," said my friend Vivek from Shimla. "Hey, thanks," I said, suddenly remembering that it was my birthday.

We had studied together up to 5th standard in one of those aided schools in Ram Nagar, Coimbatore. Then, I moved over to Kikani School, and he to Stanes.

Our places changed, though I remember how during one of my audit assignments I was so angry with an accountant that his boss, the Finance Manager of the company, had to intervene. "Tell me, Swati," he had asked, "what do we do with him?" The conspiratorial tone was something I had heard before, and I looked at the manager, only to realise — "Vivek, you're here!"

Primary school strategies normally don't get punished by the country's criminal code, but in retrospect, they were plain wicked stuff — such as drawing a big saw on the board before the Tamil teacher would step in, passing caricatures of the science miss from desk to desk allowing each one in the gang to complete the missing features, and so on.

"I am busy running a telecom company," said Vivek. "Are you still studying CA — moving from May to November and then on to May?" I screamed, "You nut, I finished CA last year, and am working in a big company. Listen Vivek, if things work in my favour, I may visit you to talk about acquisition."

*********

It is long since I stopped going with a box of chocolates round the apartment block, knocking doors of neighbours and saying "today is my happy birthday" and then they would stuff my pockets with all sorts of goodies.

Then in the evening would be a carefully planned birthday party, with a cake ordered after much budgeting, and guests would have been chosen carefully, considering all the `political' factors involved. Tame singing, rationed eats, and after everybody left, unpack the gifts to see if cost matched revenue, and sleep off to dream about the next birthday.

Perhaps it was the CA course that killed much of the spirit to celebrate, I wondered, looking back. No, we simply grow up. The only difference on such a day would be a new dress, but then you keep buying things new all the time. Or a moment to introspect, as they say CAs should do on CA Day.

I know of friends who spend a lot of time weeping before the mirror and feeling so bad about those wrinkles and grey streaks. Possibly, wisdom is not usually proportionate to age.

*********

"Swati," the boss spoke over the intercom. "I have invited the auditors for a meeting at 2 p.m." I asked, "To discuss their queries, sir." No, it was to be about their work. "I am not too happy the way they are going about their job," he said.

"I want you to discuss with Chandru and other department heads and get familiar with the gaping holes that our auditors are leaving in their work." Click, the phone went silent, and I wondered whether I wouldn't be happier gulping ice-cream with friends in MilkyWay. But job is a job.

*********

Before going to departments, I decided to read the latest audit reports, to get a hang of the work done. The more I read, the more I felt there was some sort of monotony in the opinion, something more than warranted by the boilerplate lingo prescribed by the Companies Act.

"Are the auditors simply going through the motions of audit routine?" I asked myself, "without committing their skills to the task."

*********

Chandru explained: "Swati, you know how auditors work. The current batch of assistants is more interested in going to movie theatres than to verify books. They spend more time in the canteen, than checking stock and doing analytical review." I asked, "Did you bring this to the attention of their boss?" He said, "Yes, I did, but he is helpless. After the change of CA Regulations, there is a terrible shortfall in the number of apprentices, and he is forced to depend on paid staff and they are not committed." I shrugged: "But that's not our problem. We cannot change the CA Act, can we?"

Well, it was the same story in other departments too. Production manager fretted how the earlier audit staff had made detailed notes of the production cycle and process, but these new chaps didn't seem to consult their own permanent working papers to familiarise themselves with their predecessors' work. And the sales manager wondered if our internal auditor Balu was doing a better job than the external auditor.

He even whispered: "Swati, I think the auditor is simply pulling out the old audit report from his computer and changing the date." I had to say something: "If only we could pull back our old cheque that we paid for his fee and simply changed the date."

*********

Boss didn't mince the words at the meeting. "You don't seem to be interested," he asked the auditor Ouch Beck of OB Associates. "No, sir," he fumbled to reply, "I thought you would be discussing the upward revision of fee that I used to be telling you."

Boss looked at me, and I wondered if he was trying to say, "Swati, see how your CA tribe is behaving." And I looked the other way.

"There is something else I wanted to discuss," said the boss to Ouch. "I am seriously thinking why not we hire a Big Four firm as our auditors." OB man shrieked: "No, that's unfair. They are all big cheats. We are no less in skills." I knew the trick worked: Boss had shaken Ouch out of his slumber by dangling a big Damocles sword above OB's neck.

*********

At the mailbox:

T. S. Isvarya writes from Salem: I am a CA-PE I student and have also joined B.Com in a regular college at Salem. I've been attending the coaching classes conducted by the ICAI. I scored above 90 per cent in 10th and 96 per cent in plus-two, where I chose commerce because I like the subject. I was awarded trophies by the SBI for having stood first in school and for the highest marks in four major subjects.

I seek your advice in connection with my endeavour to achieve my goal of becoming a CA. I expect useful tips and guidance from you. Thanking you in anticipation.

Dear Isvarya, you seem to be as eager as I was at your age. Just keep the fire burning. And keep watching this space for more!

(To be continued)

Swati_CA@hotmail.com

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