These days, pretty much everyone (except Donald Trump) professes to be an environmentalist, or at least concerned about the environment and global warming and whatnot. I’ve been called one time and again, and every time it makes me squirm a little, and smirk a little more. The rules governing environmentalism are not easy to follow. Here are a few guidelines.

Food and drink

Food has got to be vegan — no question about this, despite the fact that since day one man has gone out hunting for meat, and woman has produced mouth-watering biryanis and butter chicken (so it’s really all her fault). Also, since day one, animals, fish, reptiles, insects, worms, viruses, bacteria, et al have been happily hunting and dining off us. But no! You may only browse and graze on ghaas phoos and will have to settle with the fact that at least in India you might be competing with bovines (of all kinds). And saying “If they can’t eat grass they can eat plastic bags”, is not on. Also food has to be organically grown, though you’ll be happy to know that there’s little too much of organic stuff (aka poop) in what we eat and drink — even when it comes hermetically sealed in plastic containers. If your food tastes like poop it’s probably very good for you and the environment, because you’ll vomit it out straight away and thereby recycle it immediately.

You must vigorously wag your finger at those who “consume alcohol” (licentiously called “enjoying a drink”) despite the fact that since day one man has been fermenting fruit and flowers and grain and whatnot, and dancing wantonly afterwards. Bears, elephants and monkeys and all kinds of wildlife can also be seen bogeying under mahua trees – but you are on top of the food chain, so do you want to be like them?

Transportation

No true-blue environmentalist should dream of owning a car and should hate Ferraris with the same passion with which the sexy scarlet sirens scream from 0 to 100 kmph in three seconds flat. Actually, even most normal people these days are wondering whether it’s worth owning a car, because cars only seem to be standing in long, motionless queues all day. You might even think that no true environmentalist would want to be caught dead anywhere near a car, but this is not so: to mitigate the guilt of those wayward souls who sinfully drive around, environmentalists often hitch lifts from them. You may do this and rightfully feel like a martyr but don’t request that the AC be switched off. Being closeted in a car with four other people with noxious halitosis can render you unconscious and you can’t roll down the windows because of the fumes outside. But remember, when you emerge from your ride feeling cool and fresh and eager to take part in the ‘save the environment’ TV talk show you’ve been invited to, quickly stamp out the thought that it might just be due to the air-conditioning!

All environmentalists love bicycles and so might you. Right until the point you discover that you are not in Amsterdam and that while you live in ‘Fuchsia Gardens’ in Gurugram, your place of work is in Punjabi Bagh, and cycling to and fro in 40°C is asking for a quick trip to the ICU.

Of course, good public transport is the answer: (air-conditioned) buses and metros — no sane person would want to drive in any Indian city. In fact I started using the metro regularly when it began operating and was instantly converted. The first time I got out at Connaught Place (eight minutes from home) I saw that the station had eaten into the parking lot where I usually parked my car and was miffed… until I realised that I didn’t need to bring the car along anymore. That romance was short-lived as I have no desire now to be turned into khichdi each time I try to use it.

Air-conditioning

This is the other big hate object for environmentalists — and no, this is not being written in an air-conditioned ivory tower — the AC was switched off at 4.30 am. But again, environmentalists have to suffer air-conditioning because computers can’t live without them and without computers environmentalists cannot save the environment. Of course, you could go out to the nearest wasteland and plant 1,000 saplings every day for the next 20 years and truly save the environment but don’t complain when you keel over with exhaustion and back spasms.

Industry

You must nurture an implacable hatred for all big industry and industrialists — and rightly so, because often they behave as if the world is their personal bottomless treasure chest. Worse, they will spread filth everywhere while digging out the treasure — in the air, in the water and on land too. Yes, it’s easy to hate all this, until the point you are offered an 18-figure salary, plus bonus and stock options from a global conglomerate which has a higher GDP than the country.

Lifestyle

Some hardcore environmentalists say the only way to save the environment is to live a simple life. By this they mean you must stay in a cave, become a hunter-gatherer, wear fig leaves (they can be scratchy, but you can’t do furs and skins because you’re vegan), rub stones to start fires, and return to being the noble savage. This was okay when the world’s population was seven. It’s now seven billion. Also it is likely that your spouse and children will throw you out of ‘Fuchsia Gardens’ if you suggest this.

Ranjit Lalis an author and “environmentalist”

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