The Investigator

Further token gestures for dalits in pipeline!

I am here in a village in Rajasthan, interviewing a Dalit man, to gauge his reactions to the historic elevation of a member of the Dalit community to the Presidency. He is being beaten up by a group of gau rakshaks . I am crouching down, trying to avoid the blows. So is he. It does not bother me. I am used to violence. My editor is very ferocious. Her tea was once served cold. The canteen boy took VRS.

“What was your first reaction when you heard the news?” I ask, doing a quick feint to the left to avoid a lathi.

“I felt very uplifted,” he says, as a chappal whizzes past his head. “I had not heard of this Mr Kovalam, but he seems to be a decent fellow. After centuries of oppression, this was necessary. My heart is swelling with pride, as will other parts of me once they have finished beating me up.”

“So will this make you vote for their party in the next election?” I ask.

“Why just the next one?” he replies, “Now that I know how much they care for us, for at least the next three or four elections, my vote is guaranteed.” He is silenced for a moment by a blow to the head, but he recovers. “There is no doubt, politically this has been a masterstroke.”

“And that’s not all!” says the chief rakshak, standing nearby. I stand up to face him. A policeman is holding an umbrella over his head. “A series of initiatives have been announced to uplift the dalit community,” says the rakshak. “We will be appointing them as general manager, Western Railways, chief executive, Mother Dairy, and secretary, ICCR. Even a position in one of the Motor Vehicle Authorities cannot be ruled out. There’s much more. Leftover bronze from the giant statue of the Iron Man will be used to construct a mini statue of Dr Ambedkar, while Arnab has promised to have at least one member of the dalit community as a guest on every show. I talked to him personally. His hair is fantastic. He assured full cooperation. ‘I promise not to shout at them,’ he said, ‘although one or two half-mocking smiles cannot be ruled out.’ I asked him to shout at me also, so that I could tell my wife that Arnab had shouted at me, but he refused.”

As the leader speaks, the beating is completed, and my interviewee crawls away. He turns back for a moment to wave goodbye. “Will you be beating up anybody else?” I ask the chief rakshak politely. “Not until next Wednesday,” he says. “In the meantime, when you go back to Delhi, please give my regards to Mr Govind. Even though he is a dalit, we are all behind him.”

Will watch more cricket in future, says Rajinikanth!

In news which has caused minor unrest in Chennai, cinema giant Rajinikanth has apologised to cricket fans across the nation for his negligence during the recent Champions Trophy final. “Too many things were happening at the time,” said the superstar, “Gopichand had requested me to support Srikanth.

The hockey match was also going on. I was constantly flying between London and Jakarta. In some areas there was turbulence. My flying speed was affected. I had no time to go to the Oval, but now I am regretting it. I could have supported them in their hour of need. Had I blown gently from the Pavilion end, I could have straightened out the reverse swing. At a critical point, I could have flown out onto the pitch and tightly kicked Jadeja in the butt, propelling him forward slightly. Even 10-15 minutes of my presence would have been sufficient. But what can I do? I have so many responsibilities. Between keeping the Sensex up, helping Google with searches, providing the occasional boost to ISRO, and ensuring the forward movement of Patanjali, my plate is quite full. I am trying to train a hologram, but until then, time pressure remains a factor.” In related news, the BCCI has denied that Rajinikanth is being appointed coach of the Indian cricket team. “We had considered him,” said a spokesperson, “Very respectfully. But Virat Kohli is not sufficiently fluent in Tamil, Kannada or Marathi.”

Man without Aadhaar refused toilet facility!

New Delhi native Jatinder Bagga, 46, a resident of Karol Bagh, was arrested yesterday evening in Kalkaji for failing to provide Aadhaar card details while entering a public toilet. “We stopped him in the nick of time,” said constable SP Singh of Delhi Police. “He was about to unzip. He pleaded that the matter was urgent, but we ignored him. He managed to make a break for it, but we apprehended him near a lamppost. My uniform is now slightly damp, but I feel proud that I upheld the law.”

The culprit is currently being held at the Kalkaji police station, where FIRs have been lodged against him for “public urination”, “wetting an officer” and “non-possession of Aadhaar card despite repeated reminders”. The case raises a number of questions. Does this mean that all toilet facilities will now be connected to Aadhaar cards? When contacted, a senior member of the government confirmed this. “In keeping with the ‘more governance, less government’ policy, we are minimising government by combining functionalities. As a first step in this initiative, the Swachh Bharat scheme and the Aadhaar card are being combined to create one seamless programme, in which citizens remain identifiable, urination is minimised, and wear-and-tear on toilet facilities is reduced.”

Meanwhile, Bagga remains in police custody. On being asked whether he had learnt a lesson, he said, “Definitely. In future, I will avoid Kalkaji.”

The Investigatoris a fortnightly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of The Competent Authority; @shovonc

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