Diplomacy is like a woman: You never know what is in one's heart or what is running in one's mind. I have had quite a few brushes on the wrong side of women in my life. And till this day, I can never say what a woman is thinking despite being married for over decades.

Before I get to the diplomacy part, let me tell you how horribly I got wrong with women. There was this girl who, when I was around 18, smiled at me often. Listening to needless advice from my friends, I thought it was a smile of love. One fine day, I gathered courage to go and tell her that “I love you (too)”. “What nonsense!” she exclaimed. “Why I thought your smile was a reason enough to be convinced that you love me?” I shot back. “You are an unrefined idiot! Remember you came near our home with Ashok that day? I am in love with him and since you came along with him I thought you were his friend. Now, I know..”

A bad attempt that made me resolve never to do such a thing again. But love is like liquor, you know? One of my friends told me to get friendly with the dad of a girl who I was eyeing. I again chose a bad occasion since the moment I approached him, he barked: “What do you want?” “Nothing uncle, I mistook you for my neighbour,” I had to say apologetically and retreat. But I tried to befriend her younger sister and get her. I began chatting with her sister and started to impress her when one fine day the girl who I was eyeing approached me.

My heart missed a few beats in excitement, only until she spoke to me, sorry shamed me.

“I see you are trying to be smart with my sister. She is innocent and doesn't know the world. We know what a worthy guy you are! Better keep off or else…” she went on and I had no face to even look at her.

There have been a few other such (mis)adventures which I think aren't worthy to recall now. Why I referred to these above instances was because diplomacy, too, reminds me of the women I have misunderstood in my life.

I still remember the Indo-Pakistan trade talks in 1997. It is like an event that happened yesterday. A couple of us, journalists, were near the room where the talks were on. Some 45 minutes after the meeting, both the teams took a short break. At that time, we thought both the countries had reached a common ground on a range of issues, going by the ticks and crosses in the paper they held. When both teams gathered after the break, the meeting ended within 10 minutes with the Indian team looking downcast.

“They have gone back to the border issue and all the progress we made initially have been lost,” said a trade ministry official. My colleague and I who witnessed this went back to office to report that there was deadlock in talks. Our reports were vindicated by a foreign agency too echoing it.

But a few hours later, both the teams held a press conference. A senior who went to the briefing reported that India and Pakistan had agreed to take forward the talks! I asked my senior how such an agreement could be made when they agreed on nothing. His reply was: “this is diplomacy, buddy.”

Now, let us come to whatever is happening between India and Italy. Leaving aside the controversy over the marines, what we need to look at is the hue and cry Italians raised over the Ford advertisement, that too an internal one. A search shows that Italy has had many stand-up comedians, including women. So, why did they not think of countering it with humour? Was it because those incharge of Italian diplomacy thought they would better handle the marines controversy through such protests?

If I were to be an Italian, my way of countering the Ford advertisement would be to hold up a mirror to India. That means, in the Ford car that I design, Manmohan will be at the steering, with Sonia and Rahul in the rear seat looking behind. In the boot, there would be their near and dear ones with sacks that will have labels such as telecom scandal, coal scandal, Railway recruitment scandal etc. Hmm! Going by the scandals that are tumbling out, I fear we would be able to just squeeze Sonia and Rahul through the sacks with Manmohan's turban in the background. That would have been a befitting reply to the controversy over the adverstisement on Silvio Berlusconi rather than all the hue and cry that were raised. Now you know why I say diplomacy is …

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