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Commissions

Timeri Murari

IN THIS country, we love our commissions more than dhal and roti or sambar and rasam.

Our leaders are always eager to appoint a commission for anything and everything at the drop of a hat. A train accident? Appoint a commission. A car accident? Appoint a commission. (You and me involved in a car smash do not rate a commission. You have to be a VIP to get one.) Of course, we must have our commissions for important issues such as Ayodhya, the Sikh killings or Indira Gandhi's assassination, Bhopal Gas tragedy and many, many others. However, the great joy of appointing a commission is that t he reports are never conclusive or definite. This gives our leaders a chance to then appoint another commission to sift the same issue.

Time is of no consequence in eternal India. Something could have happened 20-30 years ago and a commission will be appointed to investigate the matter once again. Do not ever ask what happened to the reports of the first, second, third, fourth commission s. They are gathering dust in some bureaucratic office or locked away in the special vault reserved for commission reports.

I am just giving you the background to our country's love affairs with commissions to announce that the Government has appointed me to head a one-man commission. The Prime Minister's Office called to check whether I would be available for the next five y ears to overseer myself on this commission. One of the PM's babus was trying to head off the Congress(I) from launching another minor riot in the Lok Sabha. As we all know, the Congress(I) has absolutely no agenda or, if it does, it does not know what it is. Now the PM did shoot himself in the foot over his Babri Masjid comment and deservedly caused panic and confusion in the ranks. The comment also gave the Congress(I) an agenda, albeit temporarily.

``The Congress(I) is looking for a new agenda subject,'' the chief babu of the PMO whispered. We believe we know what it will be, that is why we are appointing you to head this one-man commission to report on this subject.

What do I get paid and where is my office and staff? I asked immediately. You have to be practical in dealing with any government department. I heard of another one-man commission where the poor fellow was not given an office or any staff and he wandered around Delhi like Banquo's ghost, looking for a place to set up his commission. As he was not being paid either, he finally resigned in a huff.

I will also need a white ambassador car with a flashing red light; two, no make that four, black cat commandos, a `G' painted on the number plate and good address for my residence such as Chanakyapuri. ``You've got it,'' the babu said, so I knew this was going to be an important commission.

I figured it had to do with why India was still poor after so many promises or else why it took umpteen years to get a judgment out of an Indian court, or... These would all take up the required five years of my time. Why me?

``As a writer who has written historical fiction, we thought you would be ideal for the subject matter. You will have a grasp of our past and have the ability to get to the very bottom of the matter. Of course, once you have delivered your report, we wil l lock it away in our vault. The reason why we are appointing you is that we believe the Congress(I) could be raising this matter in the Lok Sabha at any moment, and the PM has to be prepared to announce he has appointed a commission to investigate the s ubject.'' The babu chuckled away. ``This will stop them cold and they will have to think of something new. It always takes them a few years to figure out a new agenda.''

Admittedly, I was flattered by all this attention and figured I could even demand a permanent invitation to all Bina Ramani's after-hour cocktail parties.

So what will I be investigating as head of my own commission? His voice dropped to an even lower whisper. ``This is top secret until it is announced by the PM when the Congress(I) demands an investigation. You understand?''

Of course, I could barely conceal my excitement. I will even take the oath of secrecy like all our politicians do. So tell me. ``Your commission will be enquiring into the atrocities and lies perpetuated during the first Indian revolution.''

I did pause a long time. It was a bit of a long way back and I doubt there will be many witnesses around. Besides, I doubt whether the Brits will give evidence as they were the main perpetrators and they are the ones with all the records of what happened . Moreover, they called it a mutiny. We do not have any records here at all.

``Who cares about witnesses and records? They are unimportant for commissions. As long, you deliver a 10,000-page report we will be satisfied. However, you must blame the Brits and take the heat off the PM, when the Congress(I) raises the issue in the Lo k Sabha.''