The Hindu Business Line : A close-knit circle

Due to various responsibilities they are given both at home and workplace, women find it difficult to stay in touch. But it's worth the time and effort, as those who take the trouble have found out.

Jhansi is a fairly contented mother of two young children, happy to mind home and hearth, watch television, the odd movie and experiment now and then with cooking. But every so often, she wishes she could take a break from all this and get together with her friend from college, who lives 10 minutes away, but with whom she speaks barely once in two months on the phone and meets even less. "It's shameful. We used to write to each other unfailingly every week when we lived in different cities, but... ," says her friend, Mandira, with a sheepish shrug and grin.

How then, do women manage to stay in touch? Or not? And why?

Says Srilata, a Professor of English in a Chennai college, "Sometimes, if you've been in a hostel or roomed with friends, they come to mean as much or more than family. When we were in university, we were part of a small women's forum that we set up — we supported a woman candidate for president, then realised there were other issues that demanded our attention and pursued those. However, the same level of involvement with each other may not sustain later unless there is a specific commitment."

Ask Jhansi and Mandira and many others why they find it difficult to stay in touch and the reasons vary, but there is a common thread running through all this: Life takes over and friendship takes a backseat. Home keeps Jhansi busy, work and home keep Mandira busy, housework takes up so much time that Rekha has no energy left to even call her friends, leave alone meet them. And, when all of them do get time, they prefer to spend it taking a nap or sitting in front of the `idiot box'. In some cases, conservative families frown on the women having friends at all!

While this presents one side of the picture, here's the other: Radha is a working mother and that leaves her very little time for herself. But this does not prevent her from having her fun. "I need some time to be myself and I do that best with my friends," says this journalist. True, she doesn't get as much time with them as she wants but she manages, nonetheless. "We go out for lunch and spend an hour or two talking," she says. It's one friend at a time, not because she prefers it that way but because it's virtually impossible for everyone in her set to meet at the same time. "Even with one friend, it's difficult, but I owe it to myself to relax", she says.

Kitty parties are another way women keep in touch with each other. "I know people think we do nothing but gossip and exchange notes on jewellery and saris," says Lakshmi, who is a member of three groups. "And to a large part, it is true. But it is an outlet. We don't get very involved in anything, indulge in some meaningless conversation about baubles and trinkets, try different food every time we meet, and leave — it's quite a stress-buster," she says.

But is it fulfilling? "Yes, if my goal is to spend some time away from home/work and just not do much but enjoy myself, it is," she explains.

Apart from having a good time, how involved are friends with each other? "Oh, we do a lot of hand-holding," says Rita. Recently her friend was abandoned by her husband. He proved difficult to locate, and Rita and others rallied round to spend time with her. Then there is Leela, who is always lending her friends a shoulder to cry on. "When my marriage was going through a difficult phase, I was always calling her and asking for advice. And like a true friend, she stood by me, which doesn't mean that she supported me always, but made me see my spouse's version of things, which made things clearer to me," says her friend Jyothi.

"If I didn't keep in touch with someone other than my family, I'd have gone mad," says Christine. "Friends are like oases — they are there to refresh you and give you succour. But expectations have to be realistic — since their lives are more or less similar to mine. But we know what and how much to expect of each other, so it leaves no space for disillusionment," she says.

Bhavna finds that women have "lots more to deal with on their platter, but that shouldn't be an excuse to ignore friends. You can create time for everything — it's a question of whether you do it or not."

"It is relatively easy to give your time and money to a friend. It is only when you are expected to support some choices that she makes that the crunch comes — you may want to but not have the freedom to do so, or are timid; you may not like what she does but go along with it because you don't want to get involved; and you may be willing to go to any length to make her realise she has to follow a certain path of action but find that she's not willing, which can be very frustrating and disillusioning," explains Rajani, who has been in all these situations. "Sometimes, supporting someone who doesn't listen to you can seem like a waste of time — we can never ever put ourselves completely in their shoes and maybe, many friendships begin to wither there," she says.

Recently, a group of friends who worked together more than 10 years ago managed to meet despite the constraints of work, family, distance and time. Some of them were seeing each other after a decade. "And it was such a joy," says Neena. "We had so much in common — a past, shared experiences, laughter, tears — and reliving it was nothing short of wonderful. We were so glad we made the effort."

Sunaina, who is "fiercely into friendship", has the last word: "Friends complete us, they define us and act as chisels that shape our lives," she says. "You have to nourish friendships; they are good for the soul."

Now, isn't it time you picked up that phone and called your friend?

Picture by N. Balaji

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