The Hindu Business Line : Single moms

Single mothers have often been the theme of several Hollywood films. But real life is more demanding on one's emotions than reel life can ever show, say single parents.

Akriti has recently shifted out of India's commercial capital. Just one in several steps taken by the 30-something professional to "reinvent herself" and chart a new life together with her young daughter.

The experience of being a single parent is as yet a new role that she is growing into. But then again, it is not entirely new. "Every time my daughter falls ill, I am the one who stays by her bedside all night. The pressure of routine events around her, such as meeting the class-teacher, was completely on me even when I was married. So nothing much will change, now that I have separated from my husband. But yes, there is the occasional longing that my daughter has for her father and that hurts," she says.

Single moms. They have been the theme of several Hollywood films, be it the heart warming Michelle Pfeiffer-George Clooney starrer — One Fine Day or the more recent Hugh Grant-starrer About A Boy. But real life, often, is more demanding on one's emotions than reel life can ever show, say single parents. "It is too difficult a task to bring up a child single-handedly," says Ritu, a single parent in Mumbai. A 40-year-old mother, she has been the active parent in the task of bringing up her son from a mere five-year-old to the 17-year-old teenager he is today.

"My son was just five years old, when I took the decision 12 years ago. It was a courageous step. But suddenly the comfort of having a joint-family is not there anymore and you are all on your own. There are several times when I did wish that someone was there with me, for instance, when I am unwell and my child is unwell too. When I have to go to meet his teachers, I have to stop the tuitions that I take through the day, since I do not have a full-time job," she says.

A general discussion among urbanites in Mumbai on issues facing single parents, more so mothers, provides more insight into daily hurdles. "Systems in India are skewed towards two parents or the single male parent. This is a huge problem during school admissions, where only the father's name is admissible. And it's these little things that are niggling, more than actually bringing up the child single-handedly," points out a young communications executive based in Mumbai.

Akriti agrees. "For the sake of my daughter, when I go to her school, I retain my surname. I have no problems with that. But these are the kind of problems that one deals with in the city where people know you. That is why I took a break of one year and have shifted out of Mumbai," she says.

"For the psychological well-being of our daughter, we both try to be there for her as much as possible, besides my mother is always there with her. My child is a star-performer in swimming in her school and it is our responsibility to see that our separation does not impact her life," she adds.

But the pains of being a single parent go beyond the requirements of one's child. "Mine was a love-marriage and when we decided to separate after nine years of marriage — actually 11 years of courtship — I got no support from the family. But since I am a fiercely independent person, I decided to work it out myself," says Akriti.

She feels that Indian women are "too Indian at heart, which is why they stay in a marriage, despite being subjected to all kinds of humiliation. But when my daughter told me that she preferred to stay with my mother, since my husband and I were always fighting, I took the cue and got out of the marriage. She was the only reason I stuck with the relationship. And now that we are separated, a new problem is that other men think that single women are available. Indian women have to change their mental outlook. They have to be strong to deal with such situations." She is still seething from such unpleasant experiences that haunt her even today.

Single mothers are not always the products of unhappy marriages. Sometimes a woman takes on this responsibility by choice.

And this brings us to 43-year-old Lakshmi Shankaran, who works with the State Bank of India in Mumbai. Her decision to adopt a four-month-old girl was inspired by an event in her college-days.

"I was influenced in my college-days by news of the country's first woman to adopt a child, at a time when such things were unheard of. My daughter is now seven years old and is an absolute bundle of joy. My decision was completely supported by my family and there are no real problems in bringing up the child virtually single-handedly.

"Of course, there are those questions on `Daddy', particularly when she sees other children and their families. I have tried to break it to her gently that she has been adopted, but she is still too young to realise all the implications. We have been advised to take counselling, so that she warms up to the idea, even as she gets old enough to realise the truth," says Lakshmi.

Celebrity-watchers are familiar with former Miss Universe Sushmita Sen who plays the "proud mom" while flaunting her little adopted daughter. "When children are adopted by women as a matter of choice, it is a conscious decision. The children too adapt to the situation and don't have a past that they miss and this is the difference with parents who have become single as a result of separation or other circumstances," she adds.

Whether by chance or choice, situations such as these require an immense amount of maturity, says Akriti.

"It is important for a person to respect another person's needs, be it an adult or a child," she says, taking a page from her own life.

(Most names in the story have been changed)

Picture by A. Roy Chowdhury

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