The Hindu Business Line : The ulcer gulch

The idiosyncrasies of clients are the stuff of legend. Not that the peculiarities of many agency people are far behind. But the important question is `who calls the shots?'

A respected MNC called the agency servicing head, gave him a rudimentary sketch and wanted a pucca version done. When the finished diagram was shown to the client and the original sketch was handed over, the client looked extremely upset. The agency person was nonplussed and returned to the agency scratching his head.

That very afternoon, the agency was fired.

The agency head went through quite a few red lights to rush to the client's office. It transpired that while the finished sketch was fine, the original drawing was returned in a shabby condition. It had been the MD's handiwork and he took umbrage at the way the agency had treated his masterpiece. So his logic for sacking the agency? "If this is the care that an agency takes when a small job is concerned, imagine how a big job would be treated." QED.

The marketing head of a company would always have a `knights of the round table' meeting when the agency presented any work. His modus operandi was as follows: When creative work was presented he would first ask every marketing person to individually give his response. It was a treat to watch each once hesitantly giving a view that he thought would be aligned to his boss' view. Some chickened out and played fence sitters and they got roundly lambasted in full view. Finally the boss would look around and deliver his judgement, which left many of his junior colleagues totally adrift and with some very red faces. The marketing team went through this humiliating experience frequently. I bet their shrinks couldn't believe their stars.

A client from Chennai moved to Delhi. And to save the agency travel costs decided to have video-conferencing on a regular basis. Some video conferences lasted five hours. While the agency sat glued to the camera, they were treated to views of various client personnel drifting in and out. Sometimes voices were heard but the client was invisible, having gone to `spend a penny.' At other times, the agency team would be treated to a sight of the client stuffing his face with exotic fare while they starved.

At a pitch for a state tourism account, an agency landed up at the appointed venue to find ten other agency teams thronging the tiny reception area. They had all been asked to come at the same time. The Secretary (Tourism), GOI, had indicated that each agency had 15 minutes to present its case. One agency that had probably camped there overnight was first off the starting block. It had captured the conference room and had smugly plonked its AV equipment on the table. After the presentation, the agency dawdled over removing its equipment while chatting up the Secretary. The next agency had to set new records in getting their equipment in place. (The Ferrari pit stop team could have picked up a few valuable tips.) But despite their heroic efforts, they took a full six minutes to put the show on the road ... leaving them with barely nine minutes to make their pitch.

The agency next in line, in a moment of late realisation, tried to quickly negotiate with the about-to-depart agency to leave the equipment on the table to avoid wasting time. Did the departing agency generously accede? You know the answer to that one.

One client had a knack of keeping the agency on tenterhooks time and again. His standard response to a creative presentation would be silence, long and interminable. And all along he would fix the agency team with a blank, cold fish stare to the tune of fingers drumming on the table. The agency team would be in a seeming state of rigor mortis, while deep within they were in agony with churning stomachs and palpitations. One almost expected him to say "Off with his head," in the hallowed tradition of Henry VIII. Then in deep sepulchral tones would emerge, "Go for it." He had evidently played so many scenarios in his head, he would have put Deep Blue to shame.

The Original Sin comes to mind when recalling the peculiar peccadilloes of a client. When the agency faulted on an issue (mostly to do estimates and bills) it was hauled over the coals, put on a spit and roasted slowly and with great relish.

"Is this a sin of omission?" he would thunder, "or is it a sin of commission?"

The not-so-very erudite adman would be perplexed and wonder why the client was raking up the 15 per cent agency commission (of course now lamented and long-forgotten!). Grilled and flayed until he grovelled and was beaten into submission, the individual would still be unaware as to what he was confessing to. There was no delicacy involved. The client almost always called in his entire office staff to watch the hapless unarmed `gladiator' being butchered.

Attrition levels on the business were alarming. You didn't have to be clairvoyant to know that this client did not figure among the `top favourite client' list.

Tangling with a Great White Shark was a welcome alternative.

(The writer is former Director (South), Ogilvy & Mather.)