The Hindu Business Line : He says, she says...

Why men can do only one thing
at a time and women can't stop talking
By Allan and Barbara Pease
Publishers: Manjul Publishing House Pvt Ltd
Price: Not mentioned

Looking for a "free ticket to enjoying fun, fulfilling and enduring relationships"? Here it is: Just understand that "men and women are not the same". Sounds simple? Yes, that's what Allan and Barbara Pease would tell you in Why Men can only do One Thing at a Time and Women Never Stop Talking, published by Manjul Publishing House Pvt Ltd (www.manjulindia.com) . A book to answer all those whys in your head, such as: Why does she ask your opinion and then tell you you're wrong; and why she can spot a new sari design a furlong away but will hit the garage door when parking the car. Also, those questions in your spouse's head, such as: Why doesn't he watch TV without channel-hopping; and why can't he find things in the fridge or cupboard but can always find his way to the nearest waterhole.

"Relationships fail because men still don't understand why a woman can't be more like a man, and women expect their men to behave just like they do," write the authors in the introduction. How foolish to have such expectations, you may say in hindsight, but that's what happens all round. As a society, we are on extremely shaky ground, warn the Peases. "It's only by understanding the differences between men and women that we can really start building on our collective strengths — rather than on our individual weaknesses." If only you visualised what would happen to our GDP if we pooled our strengths!

The book can enrich you with insights on what are often dismissed as too common phenomena with no ready answers. Women are naturally intuitive, and so can sense "subtle mood and attitude changes in others that could signal pain, hunger, injury, aggression or depression." Their brains constantly receive and analyse information, whereas men keep 70 per cent of the electrical activity in their brains idle when at rest. Which is why "a man would have to witness tears, a temper tantrum or be slapped around the face before he'd have a clue anything was going on."

Want some tips on how to lie? Lying to a man's face is easy because he does not have "the necessary sensitivity to spot incongruities between her verbal and non-verbal signals". But men have difficulty lying to a woman because she is a `walking lie detector'! So, what's the way out? You could be better off doing it "over the phone, in a letter or with all the lights off, and a blanket over the head."

Here is some clue on why women rarely get caught ogling at other men while men do, even though studies show that "women look at men's bodies as much as, and usually more than men look at women's". A woman's `peripheral vision' can be effective up to almost 180 degrees, but men suffer from `tunnel vision' so they have to turn their head to look at other women and get caught in the process.

There's some science too in the book. "A woman's brain has a 10 per cent thicker connecting cord between the left and right lobes and up to 30 per cent more connections." In short, that means more bandwidth. "That's how she can walk, talk and apply lipstick — all at the same time." In contrast, men have compartmentalised brains, good at doing one thing at a time. So, don't try to imitate your wife who can "drive a car, put on make-up and listen to the radio while talking on a hands-free telephone."

Men can file away problems and get on with life, but a woman's worries "just keep going around in her head". So, when at the end of the day, she shares her problems, don't respond or interrupt; simply listen and offer support. Differences spill over to work too. "Women define their own self-worth by the quality of their relationships but men define themselves by their work and accomplishments." Thus, when unhappy at work, men fail in relationships; and the opposite is true of women.

There is a whole section in the book devoted to more intimate moments, and the turn-ons for both sides. Between what women think men look for and what men actually look for, there is so much mismatch that the authors add: "Women don't really understand what men really want." But that's something that they may not accept.

dmurali@thehindu.co.in

Picture by K. Gajendran

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