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One evening my seven-year-old daughter came back from school excited. She had won the first place in a running race. I became equally excited and wanted to gift her something. I asked my book-loving daughter if I could get her a book. She wasn’t enthusiastic about the idea. I then offered to buy her a Barbie doll. She rejected that too. Surprised, I asked if she wanted me to prepare any of her favourite dishes or invite her friends over. She firmly said “noR 21; to all these. So how did she want to celebrate the occasion, I asked her.

“I want you to spend time with me. Will you play with me?” she asked. I realised that my recent busy work-schedule had deprived her of our playtime together. So there we were, celebrating her victory by spending the evening cuddling each other, building blocks and dancing together. After dinner my little one hugged me and said, “Thanks for playing with me, ma.”

I was reminded of my favourite soft rock song, Cats in the Cradle sung by Harry Chapin. The song is about a retired father who is hurt when his grown-up son ends his call saying he is busy with work and his sick children. The father then regrets not being around during his son’s growing-up years. He realises that his son has grown up to be just like him. How true!

Immersed in our career goals, many of us overlook the importance of spending time with our children. “If you don’t have time for your kids, why do you have them,” asks Dr Sekar Sheshadari, child psychologist at NIMHANS, Bangalore.

We are busy working to live, and forget to live. Unknowingly we pass on this materialistic culture to our younger ones. We think we can satisfy their need for love by showering them with the latest video/computer games or that princess dress with matching glass footwear. But our children still feel unloved.

My friend Usha recently decided to go back to work not because she wanted to pursue a career but because she believed it would help her build a Barbie room for her daughter. “My daughter says she will be happy if I give her a Barbie room,” she says.

“Wanting a Barbie room is a child’s fantasy. She will be happy momentarily. Parents need to talk to the child to understand why the child wants a fancy room. When parents discuss the benefits and problems of having a luxury, it is an opportunity for learning about their child’s understanding and sharing theirs,” explains Meena Jain, a child educational consultant from Bangalore.

Money is certainly essential for comfortable living. But do we take the time to analyse whether “comfortable living” is all that our children ask from us?

While talking to children from different age groups, I learnt that pre-schoolers, pre-teens and teenagers unanimously cherish the time their parents spent with them during their growing-up years.

To help you get started now and to free you from the guilt trap later, here are some tested ways to bond with your children regularly.

A 10-minute chat

A regular heart-to-heart chat with your child to discuss her day at school, at play and at extracurricular classes gives her an opportunity to vent out disappointments and share victories. Sharing emotions helps the child develop a healthy mind. When you hug and let the child know that you will love her no matter what she does, or does not, achieve, the child feels secure.

Fix a regular time to be spent with each of your children. It could be just before kissing them “good night” or driving them to their school/college in the morning. If you are travelling, try to call during their bedtime and chat for at least 10 minutes. Your child will feel good that you remembered her amidst your busy schedule.

A 20-minute meal

The National Centre on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University has reported that the more often children have dinner with their parents, the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use illegal drugs.

Mealtimes offer a platform for communication. Start by sharing news/anecdotes that you have read/heard or experienced. Children look up to their parents and learn family values during such family meals. Having a relaxed family meal also creates an opportunity for parents to sense what is going on in their children’s lives.

David Elkind, a professor of child development at Tufts University in Massachusetts, says regular mealtimes with parents give children a sense of security. When they are under stress, such mealtimes give them an assurance that they can count on their parents for support.

If your mornings are busy, make it a habit to set aside at least 20 minutes at the end of the day to have dinner with your child. A Harvard University study found that family dinners were most helpful in helping children develop language skills.

A 30-minute game

Encourage your child to move around with you through a hide-and-seek game, or by kicking a ball, or by playing some danceable music. If you love basketball and have played as a student, teach them the tactics. On rainy days, pick up your favourite indoor game and invite your kids to play with you.

Most children reveal their behavioural traits while playing games. You can offer guidance by showing them the right type of response.

Rich Batten from Colorado Department of Human Services says, “It is not the major moments that count the most but rather the consistent, small moments spent playing together.” Spending time with children can be a satisfying and enriching experience for parents. So why waste the present worrying about what your children will become tomorrow? Cherish them for what they are today.

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