The Hindu Business Line : Yen for NRI?

Aparna Mathur*, 32, lives in Mumbai and works as assistant manager for a BPO. For the last five years, a techie friend of hers has been trying to convince her to marry him. During this period, he has moved from Mumbai to the US and built a life for himself there. “I’m still not convinced. I keep telling him to move here,” says Aparna. She represents a steadily growing trend — of young urban women who are quite clear that marriage does not necessaril y mean leaving their lives and families behind.

Narrowing economic gap

Even as recently as the early 2000s, many middle-class families considered an NRI groom the perfect match for their daughters. A young man living abroad earned far more than his counterparts here. Day-to-day life outside India was also more comfortable. But today girls and their parents have begun to recognise that in urban India this material gap is fast narrowing. Says Murugavel Janakiraman, Founder and CEO, Consim Info, which owns and runs the matrimony portal BharatMatrimony.com, “Around 2006-07, as Indians started making more money, demand for NRI grooms began to change. India offers the same quality of life now. There is no ‘craze’ to go abroad anymore.”

Parental support

Economic progress at home, however, is not the only reason girls are refusing to marry NRI boys. Parental thinking too has changed. Earlier, parents were anxious to “marry off” their daughters right after college, advising them to pursue ambitions of higher studies or a career after settling abroad with an NRI husband. Today, the anxiety to find a good match remains but there is also a willingness to allow girls to pursue their dreams first. Says Parvathi Nair*, 29, “All this while, I was not interested in marriage. I was concerned that if I get married, my career would take a backseat. My parents kept talking about marriage, but there was no pressure. They have given me my space and time.”

Comfort zone

Satisfied with where she now stands, professionally, Parvathi is considering marriage. But she is firm on not moving out of Mumbai, a city she was born and raised in, and where she has family, friends and a fulfilling career. She is not alone in thinking this way. As Gourav Rakshit, Business Head of Shaadi.com, puts it, “With promising careers and the need to spend more time with their families, some eligible Indian women are not looking to move abroad after marriage.” Young women today are also well travelled and aware of life in foreign lands. They are familiar with the sense of alienation often felt by friends and relatives living abroad in a new culture. “I know how it is abroad. In tough times, who do you confide in?” asks Sheila Aiyappa*, 26, who has an aunt living overseas.

Like her, many young women appreciate the emotional security of living in one’s home city or country. Parents too realise this. “Parents are changing, they know life is not easy abroad,” says Sheila.

Independent thinking

The opportunity to work, travel and experience life on their own terms has infused these young women with the courage to think differently. As Aparna reasons, “In my 20s if I had met the guy (her suitor) I may have gone abroad. After I started working and learned to be independent, things changed.” And families have begun to value this independence, especially amidst increasing job uncertainty and rising divorce rates.

Trust is another important factor. Parvathi tells of a newly married friend who discovered that her husband was previously married after she moved to his country of residence. While Parvathi is distinctly uneasy about NRI proposals unless they come through known sources, Sheila observes that distance could come in the way of “getting to know the guy.” Personal compatibility is as important for these women as conventional parameters such as the prospective partner’s family background and professional growth.

They also expect their future husbands to support their identity and aspirations outside the home, post matrimony. “Marriage is about having a best friend. I hope he (husband-to-be) understands that my career is equally important,” says Aparna.

Reservations about career growth are among the reasons increasingly cited by girls when deciding against a match. Sandeep Amar, Business Head of SimplyMarry.com, concurs, “A girl with a good career in India was confident of having a good career in the US as well. Because of the recession, this is not so anymore.” Amar says SimplyMarry.com has seen a 25-30 per cent drop in demand for NRI grooms following the global economic downturn.

Some conventions hold

It is interesting to note, however, that many of these self-determining young women retain several conventional expectations of married life. They may be financially independent, but prefer that their prospective partner is better paid and more successful. And motherhood would mean children get priority over career, at least for a while. Says Aparna, “If I marry, family comes first.”

Social pressure too, hasn’t disappeared completely. Aparna worries that with both her brothers getting married, her parents would be asked awkward questions about her unmarried status. She is now willing to consider NRI proposals that come through the traditional arranged marriage network but is concerned about leaving her parents behind. “Both my brothers are abroad. So how can I leave my parents alone here,” she asks.

No hurry, please

Sheila, who interacted with several prospective NRI grooms before she met and became engaged to a fellow-Bangalorean, says she faced a different kind of pressure with the NRI alliances. “With NRI boys, there is a time constraint,” she says. She refers to the young men who fly in on annual vacations and are under pressure to choose and marry a girl at short notice. Independent-minded women are uncomfortable with this, as they expect to spend more time interacting with the person before deciding on the match. Here, technology can prove handy. As Sheila points out, “Now with the internet and phone, there are ways of building a rapport, to see if you can at least click! I have many friends who married NRIs because they were NRIs. But I wouldn’t marry a person for a place.”

A point well understood by Ramesh Bhat, 63, who has been looking for a bride for his US-based son, a doctor, for more than two years now. “It is not an easy matter anymore,” he says. “Society has moved away from the traditional way of thinking. Girls have much more of a say in the matter today,” he concedes, albeit grudgingly.

*Names changed