The Hindu Business Line : Individual competitive strategy

Good morning new manager! It is another bright and happy Monday morning in our offices and aren't we all looking forward to another week of hard work, tight deadlines and hard-earned professional success?

Of course not. If you are one of those managers who actually believe that it is hard work and dedication that gets you to the pinnacle of success then I have bad news for you. You are sadly mistaken. Look at your boss and his career path. See?

One of the stated aims of this columnis to help you grow in your firm and career with as little effort as possible. If you, a reader of this excellent column, are reduced to working long hours (seven and above) or taking too little annual leave (90 days or below), then we would be disappointed in ourselves. So sit back while today we deal with an important aspect of a successful managerial career — Ensuring the comprehensive downfall of your colleagues and thus promoting your own growth.

Some people also call this teamwork.

Remember how back in management school you sat through classes about competitive strategy? And barely managed to pass? Think back to those valuable lessons. You were taught several strategies such as flanking, market segmentation, positioning, guerrilla marketing, industrial espionage, copyright infringement, patent violation, piracy and defamation. All these things help a firm adequately manage competitors who may be trying to garner market share through reasonably priced products that actually work. (The blackguards!)

Success in the workplace and overtaking colleagues is no different. Let's face it: today's office is a highly competitive environment. While there are several young managers at various levels, there are clearly very few positions in the firm that pay upwards of Rs 60 lakh per annum. In spite of what human resources says, defined career path, fast-track growth, performance-based system, meritocracy and so on, it is entirely up to you to manage and drive your growth in the firm. There are two approaches to this: advancement through actual effort (yuck) and advancement through comparative excellence. (yay) We will focus on the second.

Advancement through comparative excellence

The underlying philosophy of this approach is that by making your colleagues appear as moronic as possible, you project your intelligence and excellence prominently. The basic tools to do this well are taught in most business schools, but they need to be suitably adapted to the office . Here are some examples:

Defamation: Here you subtly sabotage your colleagues so they end up looking like idiots. For example, suppose your boss tells you that there will be a conference call in the evening and all your colleagues need to dial in. Your global head from New York will be dialling in as well. You convey the information to everyone and then unleash your genius. You somehow get each person's cell-phone and configure a hideous dance number as their caller tune. (Bappi, Himesh and Aqua are best.) What happens when your MD dials each person into the conference call? Exactly!

You can also do things like forcing your colleagues to buy office shirts in hideous bright colours (works best before annual evaluation meeting), change their desktop wallpaper while they go to the restroom and change their ring tones just before a meeting. Let your imagination run wild!

Disinformation: This is another very effective method of outflanking the opposition. Here you slip pieces of wrong information in your communications with colleagues. This is slightly more difficult than the previous method as, if done improperly, things may be traced back to you. This is bad. Remember: We always want to appear a team player.

The example we will discuss now is a masterpiece of disinformation and manipulation. It is to be used very rarely as it can have a strong impact and has an apocalyptic effect on your pesky promotion-hungry colleagues. First convince your boss that your firm desperately needs to recruit another young manager. (HR lives for such opportunities and will jump at the chance.) Then, brilliant this is, advise him to place an advertisement in major dailies, but keep the name of the company anonymous. Also get him to specify in the ad that the applicant must include honest details about why he dislikes current job and superiors.

The rest is simple. Point out the advertisement to all your colleagues individually and tell them it sounds perfect for them. (Sector fit! Experience fit! You must apply da!) In a few weeks' time you should be working in a rather empty office.

Desecration: This is the third and final method of individual advancement we will discuss today. There are many others. But these three should be enough for young managers. Desecration involves directly feeding suitable facts about your colleagues to your boss, but in a casual and innocent manner. Then manipulating the situation so that your colleagues actually live up to the bad reputation you have given them. This is less risky than disinformation, but requires more effort as you need to involve your boss as well.

For instance, picture this casual conversation:

Boss (B): "So young manager how is that report coming along? Is Mehta helping you on it?"

Young Manager (YM): "It is coming along well. But I am doing most of the work."

B: "Why is that? Mehta is not being a team player?" (See, we told you this is important.)

YM: "No no. He is a great teamer. Just that he is really busy with other things. I don't know what they are. But he seems to hang around the stationery cupboard all the time."

B: "Oh! You think he is stealing stationery from the office? Ho Ho Ha Ha... "

YM: "Ha Ha... good one sir... stealing stationery ! Ha Ha... Who would do that?"

B: "Anyways... I will come over to your desk after lunch."

YM: "Ok sir... "

Now run back to your desk and have the following conversation with Mehta during lunch:

YM: "Mehta, I am bored... "

Mehta: "Play solitaire. And stop disturbing me I have tons of work to do... that report is taking forever... have you done your part?"

YM: "Of course! (Not)"

Mehta: "God I have too much to do."

YM: "Do one thing. Let me help you. We will split up whatever work you have, ok. Can you go and get some post-it notes and lots of pens and folders from the stationery cupboard?"

Mehta: "Why?"

YM: "Arrey it's a technique I picked up in business school to break down projects into manageable pieces for optimal completion."

Mehta: "Er... oh... ok... "

If your timing is right Mehta should no longer be a thorn in your corporate side.

Thus dear young managers, we have covered three key methods to ensure that you continuously grow within your firms and achieve great things in your career. That too with little effort and a lot of fun. I hope all of you will try out some of these techniques in your office and write to us with your experiences. We will be waiting.

(The writer, an alumnus of IIM-A, was a management consultant before quitting to work on a book and a full-time writing career.)

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