The Hindu Business Line : Don't take it personally

Personal attacks might happen because you are in the path of somebody else's anger, but mostly because there is a background they come from. In any case, there is no reason for you to lose perspective.

THE KEY TO HANDLING CRITICISM is to accept it as inevitable, treat it as learning about shortcomings and a step forward in personal development.

It is a universal truth that no matter who you are or at what stage of life, you are never exempt from criticism. If criticism is one of the established facts of life, as natural and ubiquitous as a common cold, then shouldn't we have learnt to live with it? But in any organisation a key problem area seems to be how to give and receive criticism. We Indians are often accused of taking criticism personally. In Western cultures people seem to be hardier. They know it is the action and not the person that is being criticised. In fact, I have seen my American friends in Texas scold their 4-year-old son who broke a vase saying, "You did a bad thing, you are not a bad boy," and then he goes on to lose a privilege like watching TV.

It is this then that translates, perhaps, into the child growing into a professional who can separate the criticism of his job, a report or a file, without killing himself with self-doubt if it is against him as a person. He learns to `move on'.

Most of us would rather not be told our behaviour is inappropriate or that we have made a mistake. In most cases, we also do not like to give someone else bad news — even if it is true. The alternatives to receiving personal feedback are either to be perfect, which is a little difficult, or to be unaware of defects, limitations or poor behaviour, which is not constructive.

The key to handling criticism then is to accept it as inevitable, treat it as learning about shortcomings and a step forward in personal development. When giving criticism, accept it as something that has to be done for further growth, criticise the problem, use sentences which start with "I need... " rather than "you are/you are not... " and always make it constructive.

Telling it as it is

Often, criticising is harder than being criticised. I have seen senior managers break into a cold sweat at the prospect of pulling up a colleague, or delivering the criticism in such a diluted manner as to leave no impact. Nobody likes to be thought of as the bad guy, that's only human. On the other hand, I've also seen managers lose good people after telling it as it is, in a manner calculated to put people's backs up.

One of my British clients once nearly jeopardised a project by losing her cool. Her Indian team was always behind schedule with a project that had monthly deliverables. One month she said very curtly, "Stop this bloody pussyfooting and let's get it to the table!" The Indian team lead got red and teary and loud. My British client was taken aback as she hadn't expected such an extreme reaction. I had to explain to her that "bloody", which is commonly used to show irritation in the UK, is considered very strong language here. Well, she did get the project going on schedule, but not before she made it up to the team lead by taking her to lunch and joking about "us Brits and my temper."

How do you correct someone? The basic rule is to affirm the person and then critique the action. First, talk about how you generally appreciate them or pick one or two positive things about the issue you are discussing and say it aloud. Then say there is "however just one area" or "a couple of things" you want them to change or are problems. List them clearly, providing possible solutions where you can. This way you are both firm and constructive. And never criticise when you are in a temper.

Facing up to feedback

Ed Koch, former Mayor of New York city, used to regularly ask residents, "How am I doing?" He would shout the question across the street when he was recognised in public. You can bet that New Yorkers did not always give him positive feedback. Asking someone for their opinion of your work is one of the most mature things you can do.

What is the protocol for taking criticism? First thank the person for the feedback. Someone has just offered you an external glimpse of your behaviour. If you have made a mistake, admit it, promise to do something about it, introspect, come up with an action plan and then carry it out.

Avoid taking criticism personally, even if somebody is making a personal attack on you.

See the background

Personal attacks might happen because you are in the path of somebody else's anger, but mostly because there is a background they come from. As Swami Dayananda, a leading teacher of Vedanta, advises, "When someone says or does something negative, just take a step back and see that there IS a background." It is not essential that you know exactly what that background is. It could be just a bad hair day or a factor in the person's childhood upbringing or perhaps you are a part of that background because of an earlier action.

In any case, there is no reason for you to lose perspective. Once you take this step back, and acknowledge there is a background, then you can act. Not react.

And why can't we just ignore criticism? Because the critic might be right and there is always room for improvement.

How do you measure whether your organisation has a healthy culture of criticism? Just ask yourself — do the people in your organisation use feedback from each other as the basis for personal growth and development? How much energy is consumed by staff conflicts because they do not feel comfortable handling personal criticism? Is your organisation's culture one in which people are willing to apologise? Is there give and take? The answers should tell you all.

(The writer is Founder-Director of Global Adjustments, the Chennai-headquartered cross-cultural training and services company.)