The Hindu Business Line : Managing the boss

Hello everyone. Welcome back to `Sid Says'. I hope the last fortnight has been good to you and you all have had a chance to actively work on your job profiles, careers and resumes. Never forget the motto of this column: "Be dedicated to your employer and keep an updated copy of your CV!"

So sit back in your cubicles and fire up an Excel spreadsheet full of numbers to deceive your co-workers while we share the inside dope about `How to manage your boss and leverage his ignorance to advance your career' or, as it is popularly called in some organisations, `Leadership'.

This column is never one to beat around the bush. To stretch the short story long. To go around in circles In all frankness, most bosses are decent fellows who are merely incompetent and really have no idea how they managed to get the corner office in the first place. This is why they often issue memos to their staff, which make little sense, yet give them a sense of security and confidence. For example:

"Dear Team Members!

Last week there was a meeting of the All India Senior Leadership and Vision Formation and Deployment team in Mumbai. As you may all be aware I have been an active member of this team for several years and was recently elevated to the position of Additional Deputy Advisor (Temporary) in the Regional Strategy Sub-committee.

At this meeting the decision was taken to realign our strategic initiatives along customer-oriented lines and to gradually diversify from our current product-oriented approach to a more holistic go-to-market concept. This is a drastic paradigm shift in the way we work and will be of great benefit to the long-term strategic growth of our company.

Sidin Sunny Vadukut will be in charge of crafting appropriate action steps. It gives me great pleasure to announce that all employees will receive special gifts from the company to commemorate the occasion as follows:

Senior Management: Large screen television sets and home theatres

Middle Management: Wrist watches (almost completely waterproof)

Junior Management: T-shirts (wrinkle free)

Everyone else: Box of Rosgollas (one dozen)

Congratulations.

P.S. Does anyone have a DVD of Basic Instinct?

Regards,

Boss"

Such is the animal we young managers need to learn to tame and manipulate to our personal benefit. Sounds impossible? Pshaw! Of course not! Let me explain.

The concept of asymmetric information is one that has been discussed in this column before and one that is the first tool in the art of boss management. As we said before most bosses have only a vague idea of what their subordinates are meant to do. For instance, if you are the Finance and Accounts Manager he will know you as "the guy who sends me boring Excel sheets but has an attractive secretary".

The young manager can easily use this information to his advantage. First you must ensure your boss never knows how much work you really have to do. Observe:

Boss: "Sidin I need four copies of this document. It is confidential and critical."

Sidin: "OK. No problem. I will give it to you next Thursday."

Boss: "What? I can't wait that long. Today is Wednesday."

Sidin: "See boss I need to make sure that there is no one around when I am taking those copies. Confidentiality is key you see. But you know we only have one copier in the office. So it is pretty tough to get a `confidential' window of access to the machine."

Boss: "So stay after work then and wait till everyone else has gone."

Sidin: "But then the housekeeping guys could be around. They could leak this info to anyone. A competitor even."

Boss: "Oh! That will not do at all. But Thursday... "

Sidin: "Okay then let me see if I can get it done by Monday. I won't be able to do anything else though. Need to keep an eye on the copier always obviously."

Boss: "Obviously. Excellent! For a minute there I thought you were trying to pull a fast one. Ha Ha."

Sidin: "Ha Ha."

The rest of the week is going to be a breeze no doubt.

Another important strategy is to ensure that your boss is completely, utterly and helplessly dependent on you.

This is a walk in the park for all you sharp young managers. What you need to do is to ensure that every document that passes into his office finally rests in one of your files. E-mails, market information, sales figures, pricing, salary slips, bank statements, credit bills... the works. Your boss, in an ideal scenario, should have access to practically nothing if you are not around. Achieve this, and it takes time and effort, and you can start clearing out the parking space for your Octavia.

Before you know it, your boss is a nervous wreck if you aren't available in the office. Combine this with subtle data manipulation, (use log normal distributions on his board meeting slides and use complex linear regression even for average monthly sales calculations and don't tell him.) and soon it will become clear to everyone in the office that the real brain is the guy in the corner reading the newspaper every day.

The final nail in your boss' coffin is the expert use of misinformation with HIS boss. (Remember: A boss' boss is a young manager's best friend.)

For instance, assume your boss has an urgent presentation and has asked you to drop everything else and work on the slides.

Boss's boss: "Sidin our monthly sales are down 68 per cent this month!"

Sidin: "Oh that was because of my boss sir."

Boss' boss: "What?"

Sidin: "He told me to drop everything and work on these slides sir."

Boss' boss: "What the... What are these slides?"

Sidin: "Fall in monthly sales sir. Ironic sir."

Boss' boss: "The stupid fool!"

So if you can implement all that you might as well buy a few DVDs yourself!

(The writer, an alumnus of IIM-A, was a management consultant before quitting to work on a book and a full-time writing career)