The Hindu Business Line : Listening with the third ear

In the last instalment of this column we said that listening is the key to solving many thorny issues in organisations. Why is good listening so difficult to achieve? Firstly, effective listening is more than just the physical act of hearing intently. It includes empathy and a concern for understanding what the other person is trying to say - from their viewpoint. Some call this `listening with the third ear'. Poor listening is largely the result of the bad habits of a lifetime ingrained in us, even if unconsciously.

So, why don't we form the right habits? One reason is that we are strongly conditioned to seek success. We enter any conversation with an end in mind, which involves winning over somebody else and at least making the other person concede his point of view. We are conditioned to look at most of our interactions as a debate, with points to be won and lost. Anything that might end with one's agreeing with the other person's view or becoming a convert instantly spells defeat for oneself — in the competitive world that is bad news!

All our training tells us to prepare thoroughly to handle objections and queries. Much is made of the mastery of parry and thrust, of repartee and refutation. The best of debaters and salespeople not only anticipate every likely objection, but also rehearse their responses. Everything is pre-meditated and nothing is left to chance. Thus, if we begin to sense resistance, we tune out and get on with making our own counter points. Listening takes a back seat. We ignore all other signals to the contrary once we are off and running. We keep asking for confirmation with expressions like "right?" or "OK so far?" and run on heady with our own success.

We fail to see the facial expressions that tell us of the audience's reservations or doubts even when the persons might agree with what we are saying, verbally. And body language of the other people is ignored as if all exchange can take place on the logical plane. Alas, we also know that carrying people with us is essential to any significant team effort and this requires taking into account all angles. Yet, the power of persuasion is at such a premium in the marketplace that we are unable to run the risk of failure. Good listening habits must mean we do not take a position to begin with, even if we may have a preferred one. Who knows, we could bring about a more satisfactory and workable resolution of a knotty problem if we both listen to each other in a dialogue. In a world torn by emotionally charged and long-standing issues, a meaningful dialogue has to be the only chance left of any mutually satisfactory solution. That much ought to be obvious because otherwise the wounds of one party to a dispute will go away, only to return in a modified form. Empathic listening has the capability to transform a relationship because it sends out a message that means, "I trust you" at least for the purposes of this exchange. It will, over time, encourage the other party to relax the rigidity of his position and attempt a similar empathic listening on his part. In turn, that can spark a more favourable response towards a virtuous cycle of expectations and behaviour.

It is this element of trust and empathy embedded in good listening which accounts for its almost therapeutic qualities. All facilitators and counsellors dealing with people experiencing difficulties with their emotional life will testify to this.

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