The Hindu Business Line : Dealing with the "poor me" attitude

Tell people with a "poor me" attitude that their complaints of victimisation are ploys to win sympathy and motivate them by focusing on their competence and intelligence

Recently, I was invited to a party to welcome the new Chief Executive of a Japanese MNC. After the usual rounds of introductions and pleasantries, the company's personnel manager and I got down to talking about a grievance problem of one of his employees. We were joined by Selvam, a marketing executive.

Selvam looked like a happy employee until he spoke. No sooner had he started, than the "poor me" attitude in him came to the fore. He was only in his late 20s, but sounded and acted like one double his age, if not more.

He felt everyone in the world was trying to get him. People are critical of everything he does. He felt helpless. He didn't have a clue as to what was bothering him. He turned to me and said, "Hey, Doc, I can't understand why people want to persecute me. I feel miserable at times. Probably you will think that I am to blame."

I knew that Selvam was playing a psychological game with himself. His feelings were telling. So what was his game? In transactional terminology it is an "angular ulterior transaction". In ulterior transactions, people send a hidden message disguised as a socially acceptable communication. Selvam was sending a clear stimulus to draw others into his game and thereby get their sympathy.

In other words, through the "poor me" attitude, he was attempting to gain sympathy from others and, if and where possible, he would try to get away with lapses by falling back on excuses.

If we could see through Selvam, these might be the revelations: He sees himself as a victim of something. Everyone is attempting to frustrate him through their comments, attitudes and behaviour. He feels that he is ignored. He wants his boss, colleagues, friends, parents, brothers, sisters or wife to show some special consideration for him.

In this way, he hoped to draw these people into his "poor me" game. Those who fail to see through Selvam's grumbling may unwittingly offer their sympathy. When such people fail to win sympathy in the first instance, they may persist by saying things like: "The righteous people like me suffer a lot in this world."

The "poor me" people get away with their sob stories if the bosses fall for them. When that happens, Selvam's sense of injustice is being reinforced.

How do we help such people? There are a number of things one can do.

First, break this game of "poor me" by telling these people that their complaints of victimisation are merely ploys to win sympathy and special attention or consideration. Appeal to their rationality and make them see how this feeling hurts them in the long run. The idea that they are being victimised is all in the mind.

Motivate them by pointing out to them that they are competent in their work and intelligent. With these qualities, they could easily get ahead and, most of all, win the respect of friends and superiors.

Selvam got the message and said, "Doc, you know I am a good man." I stopped him and said jokingly, "Selva, I know you are a good man and you don't have to feel sorry for it." Selva smiled and promised that hereafter he was not going to live on sympathy, but on his competency.

(The writer is a professor of management and international consultant to some global organisations. He has authored a number of books on management)

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