The Hindu Business Line : How to `manage' your boss

Following that column, I received a barrage of congratulatory messages from many people. I meticulously read each and every one of them; some of them several times over.

I would, in all modesty, like to thank each and every one of you and state the following in response: `I do not need any of those drugs! I am awesome as it is!'

Anyway, back to our agenda for today. Now that we have some idea of the many varied types of senior managers out there, we have begun well. But the real challenge for the young manager still lies ahead, and that is: "How in God's name can I take a double sided photocopy of this document when there are so many different buttons on the machine? The company cares so little for its employees that it laid off the helper in the photocopy room. Now look! All my resume copies have come out thedaa, damn it!"

This is a very serious concern, but one without a reasonably simple solution. All I can do is reassure you that there are people in places like MIT figuring how to exactly take a double-sided photocopy and the process apparently involves Laplace transforms. Nobel Prizes are at stake.

Therefore, we will relegate ourselves to a more imminent challenge and that is: "How to play the perfect crony to your boss and rapidly grow in the organisation." Now, we will discuss this in the light of our previous conversation where we listed out the various types of boss people. (A quick check of that column on the Net will help.)

Being the boss' crony, unfortunately, is often frowned on in young manager circles. It is seen as the basest form of career advancement. Cronies often, consequently, find themselves ostracized by their co-workers. Therefore these cronies often get depressed for periods of time, like say five minutes, before they remind themselves that they make fabulous bonuses and can buy new friends anyway.

Therefore being a crony is clearly the way to go.

Merely saying "yes" to what the boss says and heartily laughing at all his jokes will give you some crony points. But genuine skill lies in identifying your type of boss and responding in very specific fashion. Let me explain:

The Photosynthesiser: We remember him being the vegetable. He takes no decisions and his meetings are banned under the Geneva Convention. While working with such a boss can be akin to being a scoreboard operator during the heydays of Sanjay Manjrekar, he is also the easiest to please. All one needs to do is to never surprise or confront him with unnecessary things like, say, decisions or final reports. Make sure every meeting is "interim" and every report is an "update". Avoid words like "final" and "action" at all costs.

The Social Animal: This fellow is a livewire. He believes in a lively office environment and expects his subordinates to yearn for social interaction. Therefore, your biggest challenge here is to always appear enthusiastic during each and every office interaction event and off-site party or conference.

"I get bored at home. Let us organise a compulsory three-day summit for everyone on team building and office dynamics at the plant in Bhopal," should be your response if your boss ever asks you about your plans for the long weekend.

The Wikibossia: This one is an information junkie. He wants every possible piece of data in place before he does anything. When he says "high quality presentation" what he means is "Don't even think of using less than 200 slides. And graphs, lots of graphs. I don't care where you get them from. Oh, did I mention I want appendices."

Here you will have to demonstrate your urge to research and aggregate masses of information. A suggested report title would be as follows: `Sales and Marketing 2007: A review based on Einstein's Theory of General Relativity'. When you send it for reviews, also attach a heavy document as an annexure and make sure it is essential reading for the meeting. Something like an Encyclopaedia Britannica.

The Parasite: There is no recorded means to handle a parasite boss. If you do well, he will fire you. If you do badly, he will fire you. In fact 60 per cent of his work involves just firing people. We all sympathise with you. Try yoga and pranayama for relaxation.

The Air Up There Boss: Do not be fooled by his ignorant and under-educated persona, he is actually much much dumber than he looks. When dealing with such a boss always be careful to never look smarter or better informed than he is. If he ever gets the feeling that you are smarter than he is, he will immediately type out an abuse-filled termination letter and mail it out to all members of the board by mistake.

The following conversation indicates the approach you should take:

Boss: "Sidin, please do a review of our marketing team immediately."

Sidin: "We have a marketing team?"

Boss: "Yes you moron! (Do we?)"

Thesaurus Rex: He is the boss whose sentences keep going on and on and on. His language is painfully exquisite and he uses words like "thy", "wheretofore" and "serendipity" on the phone while asking the canteen to deliver his curd rice. However, he is very easy to handle. All you need to do is inundate all office communication with large quantities of literary prose.

For instance, a memo could read: "Dear all, please ensure that all the numbers are ready by tonight. My bosom heaves for the sweet release of joy as thy numbers verily flows into the draft P&L. I caress here in my merry cubicle awaiting the inevitable day into night and night into day and then Board Meeting on Monday. Thanks, Sidin."

The Divine Boss: As you know he is always right. And it should stay that way.

Boss: "Sidin as you can see this project I am handling, `Rapid SAP rollout in ninety days', is seven months behind schedule. What do you think is the problem?"

Sidin: "Sir, I think, after much thought and introspection, and after looking into the outstanding leadership you have given the project, that the schedule is absolute bollocks."

Boss: "I thought so too."

The Picker of Nits: He is a tricky one. His attention to detail means that he can potentially pick apart any project you throw at him. And that too in rather unpredictable fashion. You can either divert his attention from any potential problem or blame it on someone else.

Sidin: "And if you skip that page with the steep downward pointing graph you can see the new illustration for our employee newsletter here."

Boss: "What is this colour for the heading?"

Sidin: "Cyan"

Boss: "Ooh, I like Cyan."

Now that is a nifty deck of crony cards is it not? Play them well and the future is yours. Till next time adios and do remember: "For the good crony, competence is baloney."

(The writer, an alumnus of IIM-A, was a management consultant before quitting to work as a freelance writer, author and general handyman. He blogs at http://sidin.blogspot.com)

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