The Hindu Business Line : The art of saying no

Parents can never win. The other day when asked to help clean something at home, our elder offspring said no. Being normal parents, we did not give up and persisted and then our younger child chipped in with his contribution saying: "No means no. Why do you find it so difficult to understand this?" We slunk away defeated and did the cleaning ourselves.

It then struck me that this `no strategy' is a powerful weapon that can be used effectively in professional scenarios as well. By starting off with a no, you can create a win - win situation: If you really don't wish to do something you can stick to the no and feel good about being consistent; if you wish to change your mind, you can say yes and make it look like a favour. Just kidding!

In our work life, my experience is that we Indians find it very difficult to say no. We are probably not alone in this — this is probably the case with most Oriental societies. I think we believe we are being helpful when we do this. More often than not, the opposite is the case. We set up wrong expectations and then spend an enormous amount of time extricating ourselves from the consequences of our inability to be forthright and frank.

Many a time, we hesitate to say no because we do not want to be seen as being negative. The urge to please a fellow human being is strong in all of us and this in itself creates problems. We tend to take the line of least resistance and say yes when, in fact, the response should ideally be a no. Ultimately, this boomerangs on all of us. We find ourselves stretched to fulfil something that we either do not wish to or are incapable of fulfilling. This naturally results in unhappiness all around — this applies whether we are talking about a personal relationship or a professional one.

Saying no when needed may mean short-term pain, but it saves a lot of long-term grief. Unfortunately, in our society, most people will not take no for an answer and they will insist on doing the very opposite of what we desire. If we just think back, we will all remember the countless times when we have been force fed too much good food at a wedding even as we protest. I believe this is a clear demonstrator of our inability to either offer or accept a no in the manner it is intended. Perhaps it has something to do with the way we shake our heads when we say `yes' or `no'!

There is an art to saying no; may be there is some science there as well. The most important thing to do is to draw the boundaries clearly and say no when they are breached. This applies equally when defining the scope of work to be done; setting limits in interpersonal relationships; setting expectations of rewards; and many more situations. This Lakshman rekha has to be drawn firmly and penalties for transgressions also need to be set out explicitly. Most important, if breaches do occur, the penalties must be imposed without fear or favour. California in the US has a law that states: "Three strikes and you are out." In essence, the third time someone commits a serious crime, he or she will be locked up for good. Perhaps we need to practise a milder version of this principle to be taken seriously.

It is not necessary to sound harsh or rude when saying the `n' word; it perhaps has the most effect when uttered politely but firmly. Reaffirmation of the word adds to its power. Once the people we interact with understand that we mean it seriously, slowly but steadily they will respond suitably. It is well worth practising saying no as and when it is really needed.

James Bond's first major enemy was Dr No. I wonder if he got his name because of his expertise in saying the `n' word all the time! We do not need to reach such levels of proficiency and we can get by being `Mr or Ms No'. The world will then be a much better place, no?

(The writer is advisor to 3i Infotech, Blue River Capital and IDFC Private Equity.)