The Hindu Business Line : Diwali thoughts

Wonderful time of the year this. A time when people are just waiting to launch into festivities with their families and loved ones. (Except, of course, if you are someone whose work involves sub-prime mortgages. In which case, you are launching off buildings after leaving messages for the family and loved ones.)

Diwali is indeed the highlight of office culture. The epitome of non-work related office interaction. The time of year when people in HR are at their bonding-development-exercise devising best. Suddenly, you have ‘ethnic dressing’ days, ‘bring a lunch dish to office’ days and ‘in the festive spirit of the moment we will voluntarily gift HR expensive gifts and this is mandatory for everyone’ days. And the sad part is that most of the time you have no option but to join in.

Why, you wonder? Why can’t I just mind my own business and not participate in this nonsense?

This is because, and most new managers will attest to this, invariably the guy with the most enthusiasm to execute said nincompoopish event will be the person who takes care of your performance evaluation. This is one of those unexplainable cosmic coincidences that drive young managers to crazy things like entrepreneurship and full-time day trading.

And if this is the case, then you abandon your Diwali celebrations at great personal risk. For at the end of the year, you will find that your personal evaluation metrics are as follows:

Leadership – 15 per cent.

Problem solving – 15 per cent.

Punctuality and Time Management – 15 per cent.

Initiative and Imagination – 15 per cent.

Enthusiasm exhibited while playing musical chairs during the annual Diwali party, even when eliminated in the very first round and, therefore, forced to hang around for two hours till Gonzalves from HR came second, but immediately terminated services of Sunil in IT and, therefore, came in first as per policy – 7,000 per cent.

So please plaster a big fake smile on your face, empty several sachets of sugar into your mouth for that enthusiasm and run along to the board room now.

However, the complexities of a working Diwali do not end with this. There is also the curse of the ‘office gift pool’. Some of you may not follow this custom (and the world envies you) that can destroy morale .

It works like this. Each employee is asked to bring a gift to the office, gift wrapped and of a certain minimum cost. Something in the range of a hundred bucks or so in most places. (In investment banking, this minimum is often the “GDP of any poor sub-Saharan nation.”)

The first time this happened to me in my job, I decided to actually put in an effort and buy something useful — a gift voucher. (Call me unimaginative. But nothing causes as much pain as a ridiculous gift like a stuffed ape that somersaults at the push of a button. Or crystal napkin holders shaped like ducks.)

You then paste numbers on each of these gifts and make a lucky dip with them. This is not only a fun activity, but also helps to bring employees together and helps them share feelings like ‘loathing’.

I drew the number of the gift made by the CEO and was mildly pleased. “Perhaps, this would not be a complete waste,” I told myself.

My gift voucher was won by one of the office boys who grabbed the envelope with the voucher from amongst the large bulky, shiny boxes and gave me a look that conveyed: “Will spit in your tea.”

I was excited as I opened my gift and pulled out the heavy object from within.

CEO: “Awesome no?”

Sidin: “Err… yes, yes…”

CEO: “It is a duck, but…”

Sidin: “Yes?”

CEO: “It also holds napkins!”

Sidin: “You don’t say…”

The last and final Diwali-related pitfall one should be cognizant of is the glorious Indian tradition of business gifting. I call it glorious because you really don’t need to get your conscience involved in this. Now some people will say that this is akin to bribery and should be frowned upon. I disagree vehemently.

Bribery connotes asking for gifts and giving favours in return. This DOES NOT happen with Diwali gifts. You could accept a box of sweets from a business associate, like a supplier, and never do anything about it. That is OKAY. That’s how this Diwali thing works. No expectations, only goodwill.

(I mean you COULD annul the supplier’s contract, shut down his plant, and starve his family if he did NOT give you your Diwali gift. That is your prerogative. And you can fit this into your ISO process with some paperwork.)

The important thing to note while accepting Diwali gifts is that one must never appear to ask for them. (That, like I said before, makes it a bribe. Boo!) It should always seem as if you don’t care for the gifting business at all.

Supplier: “So what do you need for Diwali young manager, sir?”

Sidin: “Oh nothing, nothing. Cough! Cough! My dry fruit and mithai allergy is acting up again.”

Supplier: “But any idea what you might like…”

Sidin: “Anything. Anything. Arrey what is the time? Oh ho! I need to buy a new watch. Have you ever owned a Tag Heuer?”

Supplier: “No. But you still haven’t told me what you want…”

Sidin: “Chalo yaar, I have some important work to do. No time to dilly dally. I believe it is easier to organise one’s work with a PDA / Smartphone of some kind…”

Supplier: “Chalo, I will think of something…”

Sidin: “Bye bye! Take care! iPod!”

Supplier: “What?”

Sidin: “What?”

It’s all a question of unclear communication.

So have a great festive season everyone. Chill out with the family. But do remember to be safe and responsible. Till next fortnight all good wishes and prayers from the Vadukut household.

Prosper and help prosper!

(The writer, an alumnus of IIM-A, was a management consultant before quitting to work as a freelance writer, author and general handyman. He blogs at www.whatay.com)

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