The Hindu Business Line : The low-down on cool jobs

Have you ever really, really wanted someone else’s job? I don’t mean in the sense that both of you work in the same company, the other guy works in some sort of VC fund while you are the champion at a sub-prime desk. And it’s either you get his job or one kidney must go to pay, ironically, the EMI on the house. No, not like that.

I mean it in the sense that you are a banker of some kind and come back home at three in the morning only to find your flat mate — something in an advertising firm — snoring away in front of the TV well into his fourth hour of slumber.

And you quietly go to your bedroom, collapse on the bed, sob and fervently wish you had his job? Without the Blackberry and the laptop and the shiny suit with the Italian finish and the astounding capacity to accumulate sweat over a working day.

Well, I have good news for you today! No, I don’t have several high paying offers in advertising to give away to readers of this column or anything fancy like that. Instead, I am here to tell you that, contrary to popular belief, the other guy’s job sucks too. No seriously, it does. And going by this piece of news, you no longer have to regret that moment when at campus placement you signed on the line allured by that spectacular joining bonus and astounding expense account. (Both, neither seen nor heard of since.)

In fact, ‘the other guy’s job sucks too’ is a nice little mantra to tell yourself every morning as soon as you rise from bed and just before your pranayams or yoga or doughnut.

Let me explain.

There are, in general, certain jobs which are always lusted after by the majority of us young managers with regular straitlaced job profiles. While we may not crave these jobs enough to quit our existing ones, we still longingly gaze upon those who have them when we run into them in the lobby and secretly feel terribly jealous about them.

What we often forget is that these individuals suffer from certain other pitfalls in their careers that are none too evident to the naked eyes of the young manager. In the course of this column, I will try to throw a little light on these hidden pitfalls and give you all a new, invigorating boost of self-esteem in your own jobs.

Awesome Job No 1: Advertising: How many among us have not seen a stupid ad on TV and told ourselves that we could come up with better ones ourselves if only we could get time off from our spreadsheets. Also, those ad people have all these whacky hairdos and dress codes and so on.

Yes, but what many people do not know is that entry-level salaries in advertising are so low that trainees are often paid monthly wages entirely in coins. This extreme lack of liquidity, and not trendiness, is what leads to long hair and ripped jeans. Barbers, at those wages, are a wanton luxury.

However, you can, through hard work and determination, make your fortune in advertising by dealing in stolen office equipment.

Awesome Job No 2: TV Anchor: Deck up in cool threads, sit in front of a camera and then read from a tele-prompter. Do this for one or two hours every day. At the end of the day, take home your pay and also enjoy the vast public celebrity status. So really, why wouldn’t you want to move from the Internal Strategy Team to, say, CNN?

First of all, you sometimes have to run three hour debates on things like ‘The merits of full currency convertibility’ or ‘Global warming: Have we really run out of other topics?’ Secondly, these channels are normally on round-the-clock and often they want you to do bulletins like ‘India snoring: The news at 3 AM’. Thus, making you famous with low-cost airline passengers all over India who are stuck in airports.

Awesome Job No. 3: Bartender: Being a trained bar maestro with all the tricks and twirls and tosses is one of the jobs that are du jour all of a sudden. But then, what can be more alluring than a job that happens almost always at night, in swish bars, mixing exotic drinks with unlimited access to bottles upon bottles of the finest?

Fire hazard for one thing. I will never forget the time a bar fellow goofed up a flaming babushka at this place in Delhi and roasted someone’s imported party shirt. The Dilli-wala said nothing at the time. But later that night he drove a car over the bartender thereby making things even.

Also, there is the slight issue of having a bunch of drunken people as your companions all the time. It will be like office New Year party all the time. And your bonus is actually based on aggravating the situation.

Not for the light-hearted.

Awesome Job No 4: TV Actor: Soap actors today vie with Bollywood stars for fame and fortune. And even if their acting sucks and their serials sink faster than an IPO on listing, they always have reality TV to earn their pensions.

Cool, right? Wrong!

Imagine the pain of saying the same dialogue 17 times from 17 angles once a day for years! Or having the press follow your every move?

Awesome Job No 5: Freelance Writer: Sit at home all day, in the optional lungi. Fire up MS Word somewhere around four in the evening. Write up a thousand words. Send it away. Receive cheque. Cash cheque. Spend.

Can life get any better? Can pure working pleasure see a higher height? There has to be a catch somewhere right? Something that makes the freelancer inferior to, say, the quality manager?

Sorry, there isn’t. Some jobs are actually that awesome. And now I will go brush my teeth.

(The writer, an alumnus of IIM-A, was a management consultant before quitting to work as a freelance writer, author and general handyman. He blogs at www.whatay.com)

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