The Hindu Business Line : How to exit your workplace

When you are a normal member of the staff, people only get mildly upset when you loaf around. However, the moment you are on your notice everyone notices you.

Sidin Vadukut

Over the past two years we’ve spent much time talking about how to get into, stay inside and make large bonuses in all types of organisations using a variety of strategies. Some smart. Some cheeky. All involving little to no actual work.

Come to think of it, ‘little to no actual work’ is pretty much the official motto of this column.

Today, however, we are going to talk about something at the opposite end of corporate life. Right at the other extreme end of the spectrum. Something we haven’t talked about yet in this column: Belly dancing and how this art form can revolutionise the way your company creates value for your customers and shareholders.

Of course, I am kidding. Instead, we are going to share a few thoughts about how you can quit your company, leave amicably and leave no trace of the astounding amounts of stationery you have been shipping home every week for the last many months, which you will now use to start an office supplies multinational.

If you thought getting a job with a company was difficult, then you clearly haven’t gone through the process of actually quitting one.

Remember what happens when you complain at one of those meetings that you need more people in your division or that you need to transfer a few people into your project teams?

“Sorry Sidin, we just don’t have enough resources. You know how it is with the recession in the US and the weak dollar and all. We must tighten our belts and soldier on as a team here. This company needs restraint and control. Okay people, I need to go and pick up my new BMW. We’ll meet tomorrow to discuss new strategies for growth like further salary cuts…”

However the very same company, merely moments after you’ve submitted your resignation letter, throws every possible resource across the entire firm to make your departure feel much like a hernia, or two.

But let’s take this step by step. First of all, assuming you have decided to quit and know where you are going to from here, you need to prepare a resignation letter.

Due to a well-rounded education system, all of us have been taught to punch out business letters in a matter of minutes, with minimal cerebral involvement. This method was useful in the early 18th century, when most of our English grammar textbooks were written, but serve little purpose in the heady, bullish job market scene that prevails in India today, where offers are made to anybody who turns up at the office in clean clothes, including pizza delivery boys.

“Dear Sir,

I wish to submit my resignation due to personal reasons. I promise to serve my notice period in a dutiful manner. I wish to appreciate everyone here for their assistance and express my sincere gratitude to you for having given me this opportunity.”

That’s how they wrote them in Victorian England. Things are different today. In today’s digital world you need to be more efficient with your communication:

“Dear Sir,

My salary has been doubled. They will compensate for my notice period. I am joining there today. Bye.

P.S. When I said last week that you were the best manager I had ever worked with, I was lying. You are an imbecile.

Regards,

Sidin”

However, in my experience, the resignation letter should never be the first piece of correspondence that indicates your impending departure. In fact, it should be the first. You should also spend a couple of weeks sending out what are known as ‘feelers’.

Why this subterfuge and subliminal messaging, you ask.

This is because it has been scientifically proven that human beings react adversely to shock. Throw something like a resignation at a superior without warning and due to the duress, it is possible that he will suffer minor damage to the brain in the area that calculates your final settlement.

So first, you need to pass on the idea that you are contemplating quitting. Do this in otherwise innocent conversations:

“Sidin, have you been approached by any headhunters?”

“Not since lunch… Why?”

“Sidin, so do you see anyone in our team leaving us any time soon?”

“Depends on that variable component and some stock options details, but you never know…”

“What?”

“May be. I said may be. You never know how disloyal these underlings are.”

Sufficient number of such tips and the boss will be well prepped for the big day when you throw the letter at him.

At this point you will notice how the same company that never knew you existed and routinely issued you ‘Visitor’ passes in the morning, suddenly believes you are the central cog in the whole machine.

“Sidin! What do you mean you want to leave! You are our star employee. I can’t imagine us managing without you. Our entire Profit and Share price forecast hinges on your performance and leadership. And I have had my eye on you as a potential VP for some time.”

“Sir, I am the office boy. I came to tell you that Sidin is waiting outside… “

“Are you quitting then?”

“Of course not, Sahib.”

“Nothing a little pep talk can’t solve, eh?”

“Correct, Sahib.”

Once you last through the avalanche of crocodile tears, most companies will demand you serve out your notice periods. Some young managers happily agree because they have nothing to do in any case. Beginner’s flaw.

When you are a normal member of the staff, people only get mildly upset when you loaf around lazily. However, the moment you are on your notice everyone notices you. Mostly because they are jealous of your new job and hate their own.

They will make you do more work each day than you did in a week before. You will be driven insane. But what can you do? Quit? Ha!

Unless you are a complete nincompoop, you will normally sit out your notice period. But it comes with benefits. You can gloat. And you can get supremely cocky.

“So Sidin, can you close this meeting with a few words on our long-term prospects?”

“Of course. Everyone, we are rapidly achieving bankruptcy. My salary was doubled by the competitor. Thank you.”

But beware. You don’t want to over-do it. This is because of a phenomenon known as ‘Full and Final Settlement (FFS)’.

FFS, much like your ISP’s Internet connection speeds, is often heard of, but never really experienced in real life. The reason is simple. Why pay you large amounts of money when you offer nothing in return except a vacant cubicle with several thousand blobs of chewing gum stuck under the table?

A good way to expedite this process is to begin mixing with the people in accounts a month or two before you quit. Take them out for dinner and drinks and such like. Get to know them deeply. And then, once you’ve quit, you can depend on them to quickly process your cheque. Failing which you will tell everyone how the Finance Manager included his Octavia under the ‘Emergency Factory Upgradation Fund’.

A most graceful exit from your firm, if I should say so myself.

Now, in conclusion, I wish to share a sad little piece of news. Perhaps a little poetic in the light of the theme of this article. This will be the final ‘Sid Says’ column in this newspaper.

Due to certain professional commitments, I will no longer be writing this column. For over two years now, we have shared thoughts on office culture and business eccentricities. I have had a tremendous time and have loved interacting with readers. I hope you guys had a good time too.

But all good things must come to an end. Do take care, manage your careers in a savvy manner and I hope all success befalls you, the young manager.

If not, change jobs.

(The writer, an alumnus of IIM-A, was a management consultant before quitting to work as a freelance writer, author and general handyman. He blogs at www.whatay.com)

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