Examples of the former abound. For the other extreme, the author narrates the swami-and-the-snake tale. As you may know, there was this cobra that lay on a village path leading to the temple and bit people passing by. A saint advised the snake that it was wrong to bite people, and the snake obeyed. Finding the snake passive, the village boys dragged it and stoned it.

When passing by that way again, the saint found the snake bleeding. The snake blurted out how it had been abused ever since it had promised not to bite. “I told you not to bite,” said the saint, “but I did not tell not to hiss.”

Knowing the difference between a ‘hiss’ and a ‘bite’ might be the best starting point in managing anger effectively, writes Allan. Good anger management is “the challenge of learning when, how, and under what circumstances to effectively ‘hiss’ — that is, to stand firm and issue a warning that certain behaviour is unacceptable.”

A hiss might include a clear statement of what the consequences will be if the unacceptable behaviour continues. This tactic is very different from lashing out with an aggressive bite, explains the author. “A hiss is a warning sign; it says, ‘watch out, pay attention!’ whereas a bite is any action intended to inflict pain.”

He quotes Aristotle thus: “Anyone can become angry — that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not easy.”

To help in the tough task, Allan gives a 5-step formula. First, don’t react in anger, but respond instead, he advises. It is always better to manage anger than to express it directly, he reasons. “When we react in anger, we limit our choice to our first impulse — the heat-of-the-moment reaction — which might not ultimately be the best choice.” Reaction can make a bad situation worse.

Second, dispel the myth that you would explode if you did not express your anger. However, continually swallowing anger is as ineffective as constantly venting it, which is why Allan suggests the need for processing anger. One way to ‘process’ could be treat anger as your baby, the way the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh suggests. Blasting at someone may be like ‘throwing the baby out with bathwater’.

Rule 3: Accept that anger management is not easy; it has its ups and downs. It is vital, therefore, to know when your mood is apt to make you more reactive to particular triggers. “My wife and I have a pact that we never discuss difficult issues — especially money — after work in the evening; instead we choose morning or afternoon times, when we are both close to our optimal functioning.” A norm that is worthy of emulation.

Next rule is that breaking the family anger cycle begins with parents. When parents and children get locked into anger-driven scenarios, parents have to make the first move, counsels Allan. “Often, it involves stepping back to take a calm, unemotional look at the situation and try to find ways to reduce rather than intensify the anger.”

Rule 5, very important, “do not threaten separation or abandonment when you are angry.” Because feelings of abandonment are just too overwhelming, and such threats strike at the core of a person’s existence, the author cautions.

“Have an arsenal of emergency anger management strategies to tap into during times when you feel yourself coming close to the abandonment threat.” Such as, going for a walk, taking a bath, going to a movie… “in short, do whatever it takes to remove yourself from the anger-provoking scenario, so you won’t say something impulsive and furious that you may deeply regret later.”

A book that can make life easier!

D. MURALI

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