Address gap in communication

One of my friends is in a relationship. Though according to her they get on okay, she said that he prefers to make all the decisions. She also confided that if he finds that she does not agree with him, he becomes uncommunicative and silent; sometimes this can last a few days till she ‘makes up.’ This does not sound right to me. Am I right in thinking so?

Nirupama Dwivedi answers: You certainly have grounds for worry especially as it appears to be a pattern in their relationship: for him to become ‘silent’ and her to ‘make-up.’ Disagreeing is part of a relationship, but a lot of people view it as loss of control, which may further trigger negative feelings in them.

My concern about this situation is that it may be a pattern which certainly needs to be nipped in the bud. People express anger in different ways; either by acting out or in a passive-aggressive way (like he seems to be). Expressing anger in a mature way is important, particularly in a relationship. It is probably important for both to learn to express themselves in a clear and collaborative way that improves their communication. Something that your friend can reflect on is whether she expresses her disagreement in a critical way or does she actually tend to disagree before hearing him out, something that can happen without one realising. It may be that the guy seems to be actually controlling and projecting his angry feelings on to her and making her feel responsible for it.

Whatever it is, it appears to be impacting on the way they communicate. It is important that the situation is discussed openly as my hunch is that every time they make up, without addressing the issue at hand the gap in their communication is increasing. However, if this continues, they could avail couple’s counselling to help them communicate effectively with each other.

(Nirupama is a clinical psychologist who addresses adjustment issues of young adults.)

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