27 resolutions for 2017!

Before providing some humble suggestions, which together form the best list of New Year resolutions ever, it is necessary to study the history, geography, and etymology of the underlying concept, because we cannot move forward unless we feel our backsides.

A New Year resolution is like a politician — it’s slippery and it gives us hope for a better future. Very often we make these under the influence of alcohol, so the future tends to be hazy. This is why it’s a good idea to write them down, assuming you can still grip a pen at the time. I made some really good ones in 1998, but unfortunately I forgot to do this, so they remain a mystery. In fact, the only resolution I have ever kept was one that I made in 2006, when I fell down flat on my face around midnight. I promised myself that I would sit down more. On the whole though, resolutions make us feel good early on in the year, cost nothing to make, and cause very little harm to others. They are a good thing.

Like many other things, good and bad, this practice was started by Julius Caesar, who decided one day that January 1 would be first day of the year. He ensured this by extending the previous year to 445 days, which must have been extremely annoying for everyone who had signed an annual contract. But they had to put up with it. Unlike us, they lived under an imperial system, and the word of Julius Caesar was law. Thankfully, we live in a democracy, where one man can never make sweeping changes as per his whims and fancies like that. The Romans were not so lucky, so when Caesar said, “Next year the year will be 50 per cent longer”, nobody argued. Non-compliance would have led directly to consumption by hungry wild animals, cheered on lustily by roaring crowds, who somehow always missed the point that they could be next. This was before the invention of trolls. It marked out January 1 as a special day. On this occasion, all Romans were expected to make promises to the gods, detailing what they would do to become better Romans. Most of these involved rendering unto Caesar in a wide variety of ways, but a few had to do with other forms of self-improvement, such as lying less, and not beating the children.

Over the years, the practice was adopted by others, such as Jonathan Swift, who promised in 1699 that when he was old, he would ‘not marry a young woman’, ‘not keep young company unless they really desire it’ and ‘not tell the same story over and over to the same people’. On December 31, 1929, on the banks of the River Ravi, the Indian Tricolour was unfurled for the first time, and we made a resolution to build a nation, causing sundry Britishers to choke on their gin. In 1942, American folk singer Woody Guthrie promised to ‘wash teeth if any’, ‘change socks’, ‘play and sing good’ and ‘keep hoping machine running.’ Nowadays, resolutions are like an epidemic. We’re all doing it. A 2014 survey by NDTV revealed that 41.3 per cent of nearly 30,000 Indians surveyed had promised to exercise more. A follow-up survey was not conducted. A 2015 survey in the US by Statisticbrain revealed that close to 60 per cent of Americans make some form of New Year resolution, the most popular ones being lose weight, get organised and spend less. Achievement levels vary, from 14 per cent for people over 50 to 39 per cent for people in their 20s, from which we can deduce that people in their 20s in America lie more often in surveys.

How is young India doing on this front? If you believe, like me, that the children are our future, then this is an important thing to explore. What are their dreams and aspirations? What are their hopes and challenges? How will they shape the nation? How will they mould its contours? What does the future hold for India? A brief study of a 2016 Reddit thread reveals that ‘getting a girlfriend’ is the number one priority, closely followed by ‘having saxx’. Learning Urdu, eating less sugar, and reading more also feature, so there’s still some hope for the future.

Inspired by their list, I decided to make a list of my own. The sands of time are running out for me, and I have decided that nothing short of a complete makeover will do. So I sat down very carefully and analysed myself. I thought about the year gone by, and what I had learnt from it. I asked a few people I trust what they felt I should be doing. I decided that I should align myself with current national priorities as much as possible, in order to avoid arrest and/or savage beatings. On the basis of these factors, I have evolved a roadmap for a better me. This is what I will do. Most of these are self-explanatory. One or two, I have explained.

1) Learn the words to the national anthem. I’ve been looking down at my shoes and mumbling since I was in school, but this will no longer do. I’m no fool; I can see where this is going. They’re coming for the mumblers next. When the time comes, I’ll be articulating clearly.

2) Reduce my carbon footprint.

3) Reaffirm my commitment to India’s secular values.

4) Stay away from policemen.

5) Stay away from fried chicken. (I have episodes. It’s a thing. I don’t like talking about it.)

6) Call someone a presstitute on Twitter.

7) Keep better track of celebrity baby names. We have to be vigilant.

8) Remember everyone’s birthday.

9) Learn how to cook.

10) Donate one toilet. Or perhaps even two, budget permitting.

11) Do Rapidex Course in Mandarin.

12) Make friends with a joint secretary or other gazetted officer of equivalent rank, provided they are not on Special Duty.

13) Resist brainwashing by Arundhati Roy.

14) Become proficient in Surya Namaskar.

15) Ask the editor of BLink for more money.

16) Learn how to make that contemptuous samosa twirling gesture (à la Arnab Goswami) with my fingers.

17) Conserve water by pulling flush less often.

18) Support dilution of the Prevention of Corruption Act.

19) Fight harder for gender equality.

20) Clip toenails more. (My own.)

21) Apply for the position of RBI governor.

22) Be more supportive of LGBTQ people.

23) Find out what LGBTQ stands for.

24) Stop pretending to finish a book by either a) stopping or b) finishing.

25) Speak to aunties more often.

26) Conduct cautious experiments with cow urine.

27) Become fully e-compliant.

As you can see, this is a wonderful list, adroitly blending the sociological, the cultural, and the personal. In case you want to steal from it, please go ahead. You can leave out the bits which don’t apply. For example, your toenails could be normal, and you may have fewer aunties. But self-improvement is the need of the hour. As the government has pointed out repeatedly, the main problem with this country is us. Our country is dirty because we are dirty, not because of lack of water or plumbing. Our economy is black because of the darkness in our souls. The problem is us. We are thwarting the governance. If we improve, the nation will improve. So please use this useful list to do the needful. And remember, even if you have no currency, it’s not a problem. This process is absolutely free.

In Shovon Chowdhury ’s most recent novel, Murder With Bengali Characteristics, the walls of Calcutta urge citizens to become better

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