The Investigator

PNB ANNOUNCES NEW SCHEME FOR iPHONE!

A ring of policemen surrounds the PNB office, three to four deep. The last time I saw so many paunches in one place was when our local VLCC offered 50 per cent off on their weight-loss programme. I flash my press card. A plus-size sub-inspector stands aside, waving me in.

As I walk down the dark corridor, an elderly teller runs past, crying, “It wasn’t me! It wasn’t me!” followed by three policemen. The pursuit of culprits is in full swing. I enter a door marked ‘Manager: New Projects’. The board is old and slightly askew. The manager is sitting on the floor. A flickering candle lights his room. He smiles up at me and lays out his handkerchief. “Please sit,” he says, “I’m sorry, we had to sell all the furniture.” I sit. “So what is this new scheme you’re launching,” I ask. The PNB officer may be facing some difficulties, but he has not forgotten his manners. He holds out a battered begging bowl containing a few coins and three biscuits. “Biscuit?” he says. “I’m sorry, they’re Parle G. We can’t afford the creamy ones.” I hesitate. This could be his only food for the rest of the day. Eventually I pick them up and put them in my pocket. The officer eyes them hungrily, but is too polite to say anything. “Tell us about your new scheme,” I say. A smile lifts up his sunken cheeks. “It’s a stroke of genius!” he says, “We have always relied on public support. This time, their taxes will not be enough. Direct transfer is required. Hence we are doing advance booking of the upcoming iPhone. We are estimating the price to be ₹2 -3 lakh. Through our scheme, people will mortgage their homes to buy it, attracted by mouthwatering EMIs. Subsequently, 5-10 per cent will misplace their phones, and we will repossess their homes. In this way, if around 10,000 members of the public provide homes worth ₹1 crore each, our problem will be solved.”

The sub-inspector catches me on the way out. “We know who the real culprit is,” he whispers. “Who?” I ask. “It was all Nehru’s fault,” he says, “for encouraging Punjabis to get into banking.”

IN GOODWILL GESTURE, INDIA ALSO BANS WINNIE THE POOH!

In news that could lead to a thaw in the frosty relations between the two giant neighbours, the Indian government has announced that they too, will ban Winnie the Pooh, after the sinister teddy bear was banned from all forms of media in China. The ban in China was originally implemented in July 2017, after evildoers began pointing out a physical resemblance between Chinese leader Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh. More recently, news that he would be ruling for the next 20 to 30 years, after a change in the Chinese Constitution, has led to a proliferation of memes, featuring Pooh clutching a jar of honey and promising never to let go. “Premier Xi is the leader of a great nation,” said a spokesman for the foreign ministry. “From now on, anyone disseminating images of this furry degenerate will be prosecuted under the Animal Husbandry Act of 1852. Piglet and Eeyore continue to be legal, while Tigger will be kept under close observation.”

LOW-LEVEL OFFICER CAUSES UPROAR IN MAHARASHTRA ASSEMBLY!

In news which has deeply annoyed Vijay Tendulkar, a low-level employee caused a furore in the Maharashtra Assembly last week, just a day before Maharashtra Language Day. As the governor addressed the house in English, the translation provided through the audio system was in Gujarati, leading several MLAs to tear off their headphones and run away, thinking it was the PM. One of them flung himself out of a third-floor window. “His voice was different, but sometimes the reception is poor,” he said, while receiving treatment for mild concussion at Breach Candy Hospital. Other MLAs are viewing this in a more positive light. “Learning Gujarati could be an advantage,” said one. “For example, it might be easier to get bank loans.”

Taking time off from making a music video in support of the environment, featuring him, his wife, the deputy commissioner of Mumbai, the finance secretary and Sonu Nigam, the chief minister has expressed his regret. “The finance secretary was not up to the mark. His lip-syncing lacked enthusiasm. He will be replaced by the head of the motor vehicles department in the next video. The first video has not yet been released, but our IT cell has assured that it is already popular, and should reach three million views by 2 pm on Tuesday. Regarding the mishap in the Assembly, I express my regret. Strict action has already been taken. The culprit had been identified. He was a low-level officer in the audiovisual department. He was recently transferred from Ahmedabad, so sometimes he gets confused. He has been severely reprimanded, in both Marathi and Gujarati. We would have fired him, but he’s the only one who knows how to operate the audio system.”

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of Murder with Bengali Characteristics

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