The Investigator

WILL HARASS VICTIMS OF OTHER CRIMES ALSO, PROMISE POLICE!

Stung by accusations that they have been harassing rape victims and their families, the police have reacted robustly. “First and foremost, we did a lot of lathi charging,” revealed a senior officer who has faced several such accusations. “Lathi charging is the backbone of all police work. It is the first thing that every constable is trained in, along with kurta grabbing and rapid weight gain. Lathi charge is versatile. Lathi charge is like a tomato — you add it to any dish, and it adds colour and flavour. It livens up things. It keeps the constables nimble. I cannot speak highly enough of lathi charge. We will continue to address the problem by lathi charging extensively in the future. We will lathi charge activists. We will lathi charge journalists. We will lathi charge farmers. We will lathi charge NGO workers. We will lathi charge Priyanka Gandhi. We will lathi charge Rahul Gandhi. We will lathi charge innocent bystanders, because after all, in this day and age, is anyone really innocent? The only people we will not lathi charge are members of the ruling party, officers on special duty, and supporters of alleged rapists who congregate in large numbers in violation of Section 144.”

Apart from lathi charging, are any other steps being considered? After subjecting your correspondent to a minor lathi charge and slapping him with charges of ‘sedition’, ‘incitement to riot’, ‘sarcastic questioning of police’, and ‘not working for Republic TV’, the police spokesperson replied in the affirmative. “A variety of techniques are being deployed. Extensive narco testing will be done of everyone supporting the alleged victim, including the victim’s family. Only the alleged criminals will be spared, since the matter is sub judice, as well as the district magistrate, since he is a meritorious student who successfully cleared the IAS exam. Certain anti-national elements, encouraged by enemies in foreign countries, and motivated by jealousy of the chief minister’s charisma, popularity and good looks, have alleged that we are victimising the family of rape victims, but this is not true. We are victimising the families of all victims, regardless of the crime committed. In such matters, we will not be showing any type of partiality. Family members of the victims of all crimes — major and minor — will be victimised. No effort shall be spared. They will be repeatedly threatened by both senior and junior officers. Proposals have also been submitted for spreading the net wider, to include elements such as the families of journalists who are supporting conspiracies against the government, as well as the families of JNU faculty and students. The matter is under consideration at the highest levels, and a decision should be reached shortly.”

YOUTH ARRESTED FOR PROTESTING LACK OF CHUTNEY!

Govardhan Pandey, an unemployed youth from the Majnu Ka Tila area of Delhi, was arrested from RK Grandd Madrasi Restaurant, in the early hours of Wednesday morning, after protesting the restaurant’s refusal to provide extra chutney. He was removed by a large police contingent, after a brief tear gas attack. Water cannons could not be deployed as the lane on which the restaurant is located is too narrow. The area has been cordoned off and Section 144 has been declared. The police are leaving no stone unturned to prevent further protests. A housewife going to a nearby Mother Dairy was subjected to a mild lathi charge, and several journalists have been arrested.

“As it is, they provide coconut chutney in very small stainless steel bowls,” said Pandey, through the window of the police vehicle, “which gets consumed with the first few mouthfuls. When I asked for some extra chutney, since my uttapam was only half-finished, the waiter refused. When I protested to the owner, he called the police. The police have been very polite. They only beat me up three or four times. Afterwards, they informed me that I should not have indulged in any kind of protest, without written permission from the police.”

The culprit has been refused bail and is being held in judicial custody. A date for his hearing is yet to be fixed

ASK ALLY

Dear Ally,

I recently purchased a life-sized cut-out of Rhea Chakraborty and installed it in a prominent position in the living room, next to the refrigerator. But so far, she is not supplying me with any drugs. I am also concerned because my neighbour’s elderly uncle keeps slipping in and trying to molest her, and there are children in the house. Can you provide me with some guidance?

Akhilesh Tripathi, Patna

Dear Pandit-ji,

Does the term nexus mean anything to you at all? What is the point in Arnab taking so much effort, if people like you pay no attention? Rhea has not been acting alone. She is part of a wider conspiracy, mostly Bengali, which has had only two goals — to misguide India’s youth and to lure innocent Bollywood stars into drug consumption. In order to achieve any kind of results, you need to recreate the nexus. You need to purchase life-size cut-outs of her father, her brother, the boatman in Kashmir who saw Sara Ali Khan visiting Sushant’s houseboat, and Rhea’s lawyer, a guilty person if I ever saw one. A cut-out of Deepika will also be helpful, and make your living room look more like a Vistara lounge, but it does increase the risk from your neighbour’s uncle. I would suggest buying a tranquilliser gun.

Regards, Ally

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc

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