The Investigator

Was tortured in lockup, says Donkey!

Before I can reach the donkey, I am stopped by his lawyer, a small man in a shabby black coat. “My client has gone through a lot of trauma,” he says, “Kindly restrict yourself to five minutes, and don’t make any sudden movements or loud noises.”

I smile at him reassuringly. We are very animal friendly at The Hindu Business Line . It’s part of our culture. The story about our editor throwing a cat at an intern was a filthy lie spread by jealous competitors.

I am standing on the street near Urai District Jail in Uttar Pradesh, from where this donkey was recently released. According to the police, he was part of a crime wave involving seven other donkeys, all of whom were arrested and imprisoned.

The donkey looks at me nervously. “Why did they arrest you?” I ask him, taking care not to raise my voice.

“I was standing under a lamp post, eating some newspaper, minding my own business,” says the donkey, “When suddenly three constables came and put me in a van. Before I knew it, I was in the lockup, with seven other donkeys. They said we were a gang, but most of them, I have never seen in my life. One of them wandered here from Meerut. Despite our protests, we were charge-sheeted for ‘creating nuisance near jail premises’ and ‘eating expensive plants worth over ₹5 lakh’. I told them I was innocent. I don’t even like plants very much. But they refused to listen. They shouted at me a lot. ‘Our senior officer planted those personally,’ they yelled, ‘by eating them you are disrespecting the entire UP Police.’ I tried to point out that there must be some mistake, because where would a police officer get ₹5 lakh to buy plants, but they were very adamant. They wanted me to take a lie-detector test, but I refused. After that, I was subjected to torture. One of them tried to put a red chilli up my backside, as per standard operating procedure taught in the Police Academy in Hyderabad, but I managed to kick him in the teeth with my hind legs in the nick of time.”

“Why do you think you’re being victimised like this?” I ask, wiping his tears with my handkerchief.

The donkey looks around carefully.

He whispers. “We’re being framed,” he hisses. “The police and the administration are conspiring to protect the actual culprits. I don’t want to name them, because their agents are everywhere, but they give milk, and many of you call them ‘mummy’.”

Ask Ally

Ally Subramaniam was born in the South-West Sundarbans, but was blown away by a cyclone and washed up on the shore near Chennai. He was adopted by a poor Brahmin family from Tirupur. He can answer all your questions. Just send them to askallysubramaniam@gmail.com

Dear Ally,

The other day I was taking a morning walk in the park with my wife, and due to the smog, I inadvertently pinched the cheek of another woman instead. Subsequently, I was beaten up by the public. Is there a way to avoid this?

Regards,

Suranjan Deb Sharma, New Delhi

Dear Suranjan,

I have two questions for you. Firstly, what kind of lunatic goes for morning walks in Delhi? Do you read newspapers at all? Air purifiers are selling on the footpath. Did this not give you a clue?

Secondly, when you say ‘cheek’, I sincerely hope you mean her face. If not, you are a sick pervert, and I am not going to help you. On the contrary, the next time you decide to do this, let me know in advance. I will come over and join the others in beating you up. All these sex CDs are bad enough, without you now doing such things in public parks, where young children often play hide-and-seek. And what about your wife? Does she like having her cheek pinched? Have you ever bothered to ask? You sound like the sort of person who takes unnecessary liberties with women. My advice to you would be, keep your hands to yourself. Nowadays, a lot of them have pepper spray.

Yours sincerely, Ally

Law Min to launch self-service app!

The officer from the law ministry looks relaxed and happy.

“The Digital India initiative is going very well,” he says, “As per internal data, almost all targets have been met. A group of us from different ministries was sitting in the Delhi Gymkhana, enjoying Darjeeling tea, when a joint secretary asked, ‘what else can we digitise?’ and another said, ‘Why not the courts also?’ and we all agreed that this would be a good thing.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, average pendency of cases in court is now approximately 37 years. Citizens are suffering. Something needed to be done. Our fundamental principle of governance has always been self-help is the best help, so we felt that the time had come to empower citizens in the legal arena. Judges and government officers have already adopted the self-help principle. In cases involving them, they are investigating themselves, thus saving time and effort on the part of others. It also makes sense because they are the most familiar with the case, since they are the accused. We now want to extend this principle to the public. We were guided by the example of Uber, which allows anyone to be a taxi driver. In the same way, we will democratise justice. After downloading our Self Service Courtroom Application, customers can examine the evidence against themselves, judge their case on merits, and sentence themselves accordingly. In this way, pendency will be reduced, and justice will be freely available. The android version is ready. The iOS version is coming shortly.”

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of Murder with Bengali Characteristics; @shovonc

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