You would think something that’s advertised heavily can be found easily. But try looking for the CDs, cocktail stirrers, glasses et al that liquor companies make commercials about — and good luck finding them!

I like the ads Carlsberg makes for its glasses. Those tall and gracefully curved beauties are a must-have for someone with my crockery fetish. I looked for them in supermarkets, crockery stores, ordinary stores, but alas! no luck. Finally I call the firm’s office in Haryana and ask where I can buy them.

After putting me on hold for a few seconds, the receptionist comes back on the line and says the glasses are sold only in select cities.

Which ones?

“Mumbai, Gurgaon, Secunderabad, Kolkata and Pune,” she tells me.

“Where in Pune,” I ask, and she names PCS Crockery House on MG Road and Classic Agency, Sukravarpet.

I locate the phone number for PCS and call, only to be told they do not stock crockery with liquor brand names. “Oh, but I was really hoping to get them from you; Carlsberg itself told me so,” I tell him.

“No, madam, such items sale allow nahin karte ,” the person at the other end says.

Perplexed, I ring up a neighbour who used to deal in crockery. He explains that liquor companies distribute the crockery free, either with their compliments or with the sale of their main product. They are never to be sold. A colleague tells me that if I order Carlsberg at a club, it will be served in one of those glasses. So possession looks like a distant dream…

I like the ads for Seagram’s music CDs, too, where stars and superstars set the screen ablaze with dance moves. I check on some websites but the results come up with ‘discontinued’, ‘out of stock’ and ‘unavailable’. On the odd website that appears to stock it, the ‘Buy Now’ click takes me to ‘Continue Shopping’, where the process aborts itself... over and over.

I call their office, also in Haryana, to find out how I can get my hands on the CDs. After much disconnecting and re-ringing, I finally reach someone in the marketing department who tells me Sony’s dealers will have them.

“And where can I find the dealers?” I ask. He thinks for a few seconds and asks me to try the Net. “But I have, it’s not available,” I counter. He thinks some more and then offers to courier me the CDs. But I’m not ready to share my address with a stranger.

But by now, my curiosity has been aroused and I call the UB office in Bengaluru to ask where its McDowell’s No 1 Platinum sodas and mineral water are available. Each time, I am connected to the marketing department, but after ringing incessantly the call gets disconnected… that is, if I don’t hang up first. This continues for a couple of days. Friends assure me, though, that should I hop over to Bengaluru I am likely to find the products in a couple of stores. And, of course, in clubs and pubs.

An advertisement for Ballantine’s golf retreat has been on TV for a while now. Where is it, I wonder, but find no ready answers, until someone offers to connect me to a marketing executive. He is willing to part with some details, but insists on first knowing my name, where I am from and why I am interested.

Convinced that mere curiosity may not cut it, I tell him it’s for my spouse, who plays golf now and then.

“What’s his handicap?” I’m asked. I don’t know, but could they please tell me where the golf retreat is? The whisky brand sponsors golf tournaments, apart from holding an annual retreat in either Thailand’s Chiang Mai or Vietnam. Only professionals can participate, depending on their handicap, the company executive says.

But why advertise so heavily if it’s only for professionals? “This is brand advertising. But even if it’s an amateur golfer, he can enquire about our retreat through his golf club. It all depends on the seniority of the handicap… six and below will qualify,” he clarifies.

So, this then seems to be the closest you can get to laying your hand on a non-liquor product advertised by a liquor maker.

Of course, I still have to make that trip to Bengaluru in search of the bottled water and club soda. In any case, there is no clear rule that products advertised have to be sold, right? If you do see them being sold somewhere, don’t forget to drop me a line.

As for the much-hyped Kingfisher calendar with its thinspiring models, I can always put together my own copy from its website.

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