Focus on the cause, not the expression, of anger

My boyfriend and I express our feelings differently. When we have an argument I scream and express my feelings clearly, but he becomes cold and un-communicative. I get over things very quickly, but he tends to be aloof for a few days and I need to break the ice. He also says that he finds it hard to handle my anger and that I need help.

Nirupama Dwivedi answers: Anger is experienced by everyone, but the way it is expressed differs from person to person. We often forget what is making us angry and concentrate on the expression of it.

That you both express yourselves differently could be the trigger of each other’s levels of emotionality. In an inter-personal situation when both people are responding to each other, aspects such as facial expression, tone, words, etc., can escalate things very quickly and before you know it, things are out of control.

Whilst shouting seems to be clearing the air for you, I get the feeling that the anger seems to be making your boyfriend feel worse. These kind of situations can build up resentment.

Another concern about this pattern for me is that whilst you may be expressing yourself and feeling better about it, your boyfriend seems to be prolonging the emotionality of the situation and in a way controlling it longer. In the bargain I think you are probably not solving the disagreement. And chances are this behaviour can become a conditioned pattern between the two of you.

It may therefore be necessary for one person to change that transaction; for example, leave the room quietly or say, “let’s discuss this later” during that ‘seeing red’ phase of anger. Considering you are reflecting on this, I suggest that you take the initiative.

If things do persist though, best to seek couples’ counselling.

(Nirupama is a clinical psychologist who addresses adjustment issues of young adults.)

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