“Sir, it looks like we might be closing the quarter with losses. The increase in input cost has been staggering,” said the CFO to the CEO. “We will really need to do something – perhaps hike product prices? Otherwise next quarter may be depressed too.”

“We cannot do that. Consumers don’t take kindly to price hikes,” said the CEO poring over the numbers and thinking deeply. “We have already achieved the highest level of operational efficiency. There is no headroom there. Other than ask employees to take wage cuts.”

“That’s asking for trouble, Sir, we have already reduced bonuses,” said the CFO.

Golden Hour cess

“Well, how about if we introduce a cess in office? Deduct 1 per cent from wages of all employees? We can call it Dukhi Din Cess? Or take a cue from our Railways attempt and call it Golden Hour Cess – the company could be on the sickbed and this is an emergency for us after all.”

Blanching, the CFO said, “Cease, Sir. I don’t think that will go down well at all. There will be protests. It might be better if you removed the subsidised lunch, free parking and some of the perks.”

“I disagree,” said the CEO. “I think we are so genetically wired to paying taxes that nobody will protest. Look how we have swallowed the road cess, the education cess, the petrol and diesel cess, and the toll taxes. Right now thanks to VP Singh abolishing them, we don’t have the death tax in India, but I think we certainly have living duties,” he said jocularly.

He added, “There is nothing like ex-cess of cess. If the government can suc-cess-fully get away with something like Swacch Bharat cess in a country that revolted against the salt cess, it shows it can be done. We are happy paying taxes but if our subsidies are cut we protest. You raise the lunch price by even Re 1 there will be hunger strikes and posts on social media.”

“Besides we can say it’s temporary. There will be a cess-ation once the economy recovers.”

“And we can pitch it by trotting the government line that a cess is a ne-cess-ity!” he finished triumphantly.

Nodded the CFO, “Indeed, Sir, come to think of it – a cess is a real ac-cess-ible financial tool.”

(This column takes an irreverent look at the world of marketing, new economy and workplaces)

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