A couple of weeks ago I was invited to facilitate what I was told was meant to be a ‘crucial conversation’ between the business head and his direct reportees. The assumption that I seemed to operate from was that in encouraging all the participants to speak from their ‘heart’ I could assist in creating an atmosphere of perhaps trust and collaboration.

I have learnt from those who have tutored me that "we must learn to separate issues from personality".

In the session in question thus even as I began by hoping to create a certain safety in sharing, I suddenly realised that ‘words’ and even the use of language, however gentle it might be, is in itself a block. 

Intent is key

Each of us understands words, simple or otherwise so differently and that cognitive appreciation of words like ‘issue’ and ‘personality’ are themselves completely misleading.

Whatever may be the words or language we employ to get across an idea or thought its underpinning is ‘intent’.

Thus when a word is used, my ‘mind’, if I may so say for want of a better word, as though on prompt, searches for ‘intent’ behind what is being said to me.

If I sense intent that is neither demeaning nor devaluing or discounting of me and on the contrary is actually acknowledging me, whatever be the words used I respond with willingness and positive anticipation. Yet if I sense, said or unsaid, unwholesome intent, I either rebel or react.

Increasingly I am finding that if as a ‘listener’ in whatever be the subject of discussion, be it an ‘issue’ as people say or ‘personality’ as I imagine, repeating what I have heard being said, making clear my understanding of what I am hearing and confirming if I have heard correctly, helps to dissipate the possible tension that may be building up in me.

Self-protection

I am told that all organisations have problems and issues because of stuff like ego etc. I truly believe this again is off the mark.

What do they mean when they say that our egos are the cause for problems?

This really is not the case.

No human being will resist or disagree if the individual feels respected, valued and listened to. In the absence of feeling significant, however silly or improper what I am saying is, if I think I am being listened to or at least heard without pre-judgement my resistance will dissolve.

I carry so many assumptions about myself that when these assumptions are challenged I want to protect myself.

My psychological being however emotionally balanced I think I am and demonstrate it is actually very fragile.

My moorings give me security and when I am forced to leave my perch I feel rudderless and unprotected.

In my heart, whatever, I have been told, by knowledgeable persons, I know I am alone. Though there are people to support me, help me through my ‘darkness’, ultimately I know at a very deep level that I have to seek within.

Thus if those of us who believe we can make a difference to and for ourselves and others through participation in their lives, with or without use of words and language, allow for intent to manifest clearly and without ambiguity when we engage, the outcome will surely lead to some sense of harmony.

Intent can be communicated in so many ways, through interested and active silence, through tenderness or even through the space we create for another.

Between two words exists a gap and it is that gap into which meaning making rushes. So also between speech and silence is a gap and it is in this gap that intent gets expressed.

(The writer is an organisational and behavioural consultant. He can be contacted at ttsrinath@gmail.com)

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