I found out that a friend of mine has been saying unpleasant things about me to another person. I feel let down and upset.
The discovery that a person one trusts has been disloyal can be a harsh eye-opener and deeply hurtful.
Often people do this as a defensive gesture in response to a feeling of insecurity. The insecurity could emanate from a sense of hurt or envy. Feelings of negativity can then be translated to a lowered sense of the self causing the person to externalise their negativity by belittling someone.
Before things spiral, it is best for you to clarify with your friend or any reliable source about what actually happened and whether there could have been a cause for it. You could speak to her frankly about what you have heard and check with her if you might have inadvertently upset her in any way or if someone else could have interfered in your friendship.
If your friend denies that it took place (even after you are sure that she has indeed let you down), it would be best for you to stay out of the loop and away from her. In that case you might need to emotionally distance yourself from the situation, even if it is quite difficult to do so.
The best way would be to strengthen your resources by spending time on other activities and friends, but being mindful of not dwelling on the hurt and sharing the experience with other people. If you need to process your feelings, it is best done with either a person who is very objective or someone who does not know your friend (like a family member or counsellor).
If she accepts that she did it and apologises, then it is best to move on and put the whole experience behind you and give your friendship a new start.
(Nirupama is a clinical psychologist based in London, with an interest in working through adjustment issues with young adults.)