Even when I was a child, I knew I didn’t want to have children. If you tell me there is a baby and a puppy in the house, I will instinctively gravitate towards the puppy. I don’t understand why, in this overpopulated country, educated people want to have more children. My husband also feels the same way. I don’t even remember us having a serious conversation about it. Maybe, I’ll adopt one day — I’m 40 now, so it will probably be an older child of about seven or 10, lest the child feels like he or she is being raised by ‘grandparents’. Also, if and when I do it, I’d like to take five years off and not work.

As a film producer, if I’ve taken a job and felt that I’m not happy, I’ve quit. Both my husband and I live today like it is our last day. We’ve experimented so much with our jobs and cities, and travelled a lot. Having a baby would have been unfair. I didn’t even have a dog for the same reason. If I leave a baby at home while I’m at work, it’s unfair to the baby and to me. Sometimes I feel that I’m not yet equipped to raise a baby. What will I teach him or her? We grew up in a different world where we were taught not to raise our voice in public, to accept that dignity lies in not fighting back, in being submissive. But today, you can’t even say that, so your responsibilities multiply.

My parents, especially my mom, can’t understand where I’m coming from. I’m an only child and I don’t even have first cousins. So my mom is scared I’ll be all alone in my old age. Her fears are justified in some sense. But it really is more worry than anger. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, is very proper and polite about it. She doesn’t want to cross the line and bring it up. But once I told her about a friend who had a baby through surrogacy and she said the funniest thing : “ P hir humne itni mehnat kyu ki? Hum bhi aisa hi karte.” (Why did we work hard to have babies? We could have also done it this way.)

Perhaps, I’ve been very lucky or too thick-skinned to gauge if other women are judging me for my opinions. Women in the same age bracket as me are often stressed because their kids are growing up and they are envious of me. In fact, I’ve become a confidante to many others, and one thing they all say is, “One day my kids will grow up and become independent. What did I do all these years?” I tell them that they raised children with great values, but I guess it’s a classic grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side case. When I plan school reunions, some say their children have exams so they can’t make it on certain days. But I am independent and have no such restrictions. I have friends who tell me things like, “No wonder you look so much younger” or “You’re so lucky, you can travel all the time”.

I do have two cats, though, and I have to make a conscious effort not to talk about them. Sometimes others look at me with such pity as if they’re thinking, “So sad, your cats are your kids.” That’s the only time I am at a loss for words. Can cats be substitutes for babies? Really, the cat lady stereotype — spinsters and women with no kids — is completely worn thin with overuse!

I’ve been just too busy to look back and say, “I wish I had a baby.”

( As told to Mohini Chaudhuri )

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