“You won’t believe this,” I say to Bins on WhatsApp, “but there’s such a thing as a portable bidet!” He reacts with characteristic disbelief. “Pah! It cannot be. The bidet is a product of French culture. If there could be such a thing, then I, as a Frenchman, would surely know of it!”

I tell him that I heard about it on the radio, in Elsewhere. “I listen to a programme called On Point. The host is the very lively and well-informed Meghna Chakrabarti. So when the subject of bidets came up —” “Wait! Stop!” says Bins, “why is the host of an American radio show talking about bidets? In the US they do not approve of such refined gadgets!”

Well, I tell him, the on-going coronavirus pandemic has produced any number of weird behaviours, including the much-publicised toilet paper crisis. Even though there’s no real shortage, consumers have been stocking up and hoarding it. “It’s still being rationed in the stores,” I say. Accordingly, there has been a sudden increase in the demand for bidets. “But that’s a huge expensive piece of plumbing!” exclaims Bins. “How can people add a bidet to their bathrooms just because they have run out of toilet paper?”

I tell him, then, that there’s been a revolution in this matter of personal cleansing. Instead of the bathroom fixture that looks a bit like a foot bath right next to the toilet, nowadays there are various types of small shower hoses intended for washing human under-parts. “Ah!” says Bins sagely, “what we call, in India, the ‘health shower’, yes?” “Yes,” I say, “except that on the radio show, the host spoke to a young Indian woman studying in the US, who revealed the amazing concept of the PORTABLE health shower!”

Pause here to acknowledge that, for the great majority of South Asians travelling outside Asia, there’s a secret sorrow that’s usually never discussed: The “dry” cleaning of nether regions using toilet paper. I believe that for most Asians, “wet” cleaning, with water, is the cultural norm. While bidets are, of course, a welcome solution, they’re hardly very common. My unconfirmed guess is that most Asians living away from their home countries eventually adjust to using TP. But they’re never happy about it.

That’s where the concept of a “portable” gadget is such a break-through. “It’s SO SIMPLE!” I chortle. “A plastic bottle with a screw-on nozzle that’s angled just right for aiming a blast of water at the target area!” Bins grumbles and complains. “That’s not a bidet!” he says. “That’s just a bottle of Bisleri with pretensions! I am sure it costs a lot too...”

I refuse to lose my enthusiasm. “Eleven dollars — but it’s so CLEVER,” I protest. “And popular too, because Google found many versions!” “So,” says Bins, “have you bought one?” I refuse to tell him. “Some subjects must remain forever private,” I say primly, “at least so long as I’m reporting on it in this column!”

Manjula Padmanabhan, author and artist, writes of her life in the fictional town of Elsewhere, US, in this weekly column

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