READER’S DIE JEST. An impossible read

Editor: Do you think we take rape too seriously in our country?

Writer: Yeah. I mean, all this talk of capital punishment and castration, man, it’s so <rolls his eyes>.

Editor: So, how do we turn the standard narrative around rape on its head?

Writer: WTF is a narrative?

Editor: Story. The usual story. You know, like date rape. That’s not…

Writer: Hey. Date rape is a thing. So are late periods, homosexuality, and the untalented brother of the start-up genius.

Editor: What else? I need more drama.

Writer: That’s how we roll in this business. How about a fistfight, vomiting, video gameplay, breasts, pimples, alcohol, sharing your virginity, like only losers lose their virginity, right?

Editor: I have to go to the bathroom. Back in a sec.

Writer (scrolls through social media timelines, likes every post, sends a selfie to his ex): Whatever. Take your time, bro.

Editor: So, how will the story… er… roll?

Writer: No, wait, I had a brainwave while you were away. Jail and bail are too easy punishments for rapists, right?

Editor: …

Writer: What’s a rapist most afraid of? Come on, one guess.

Editor: Castration?

Writer: No! That’s No. 2. No. 1 is being considered gay.

Editor: And you know this… how?

Writer: Market research. No. 3 is the fear, what if you never come. So, gay.

Editor: I’m afraid to ask where this is going.

Writer: See, evil dude date rapes heroine who’s afraid she’ll never come, after she’s smashed. How to take revenge?

Editor: Maybe we should…

Writer: Simple. Get evil dude smashed and make him believe he had gay sex. GAY SEX. Straight guys will die before they have gay sex.

Editor: I’ll pretend we’re playing. How will you prove to him he had gay sex?

Writer: Same way he proved to the girl she had consensual sex.

Editor: Which is…?

Writer: Post pictures of them necking on Instagram, obviously.

Editor: Obviously. Which jury could ignore such evidence? Er, who’ll be necking?

Writer: I’ll invent a couple of real gay characters, ok? So are we all set?

Editor: But…

Writer: What? WHAT?

Editor: I thought you too had a love story…

Writer: Awkward!

Editor: You don’t think there’s too much sex without love in this book of yours?

Writer: Bro! Sex IS love. Wait, let me explain. There’s three kinds of sex. Sex that comes from real love. Sex that makes you think you’re in love. Sex that’s sex. My books have all three kinds.

Editor: What about love? Any love in your book?

Writer: Of course! On page 143 and again on 197. Not that I remember the page numbers.

Editor: But what happens before all this rape and punishment?

Writer: You really need to know that?

Editor: As your editor, I…

Writer: Well obviously there’s a girl and there are two guys. And obviously the girl isn’t hot and the main guy isn’t hot either. It’s about losers, right?

Editor: Of course, of course. But what happens to them?

Writer: I’ll make it up as I go along. I’m thinking big time insecurity in both the characters.

Editor: About what?

Writer: Whether they’ll be any good in bed. What else is there to be insecure about? Oh yeah, the boys have to worry about making money too, but I’m giving them rich parents because who wants to write about all those struggles?

Editor: And who wants to read about them either?

Writer: (high five with editor) YOLO.

Editor: What?

Writer: You only live once. Who has time to read about politics and the poor and all those intellectual things?

Editor: Can’t you make your lead pair and that bad guy worry about something else too? Not just sex, I mean.

Writer: Chalo , I’ll make the girl’s mother very ill. Kidneys, you like kidneys? I’ll make the family poor also. They can’t afford non-veg. Only rajma . Rajma , kidney beans, get it?

Editor: The guy? Can’t he have some problem in his life too?

Writer: No. Boys have no problem in life besides sex. Because the girls are very evolved in my books, they have the same problem. Don’t bore me.

Editor: Achha , where will you set the book? Any trips to San Francisco or Tokyo or something aspirational like that? Big cars?

Writer: You’re reading too much literary fiction. OK, I’ll tell you a secret about this book. The girl is a badass.

Editor: ?

Writer: She uses a dildo. I’ll even teach readers how to buy their own. What more can you ask for, bro?

Editor: Er. Personally, I don’t…

Writer: And then someone rushes into her room while she’s using it, ok? That’s why we’ll have that line on the cover, sometimes love walks in when you least expect it to…

Editor: Are. You. Serious?

Writer: LOL.

(This monthly column helps you talk about a book without having to read it)

Arunava Sinha translates classic contemporary Bengali fiction and non-fiction into English; @arunava

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