A : Dhruv, I have vitiligo.

D: Yeah, even my head spins sometimes, Aranya.

A: Vitiligo, you moron, not vertigo. I looked it up on my brother’s computer, a second-hand AMD 1.2 GB Thunderbird Athlon, with 320 MB SDRAM, Soundblaster Live sound card, a CD drive with a 12GB hard disk.

D: What does all that even mean? I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours. Tomorrow in school.

A: You’ll show me your computer?

D: What are you, a sexless nerd?

A: At least I didn’t tell my dad my mum’s sleeping with the principal. Is the divorce done?

D: You can’t tell your dad ANYthing. He beats you every day. That’s when he’s not calling you a b******d.

A: Dhruv, I hate you I hate you I hate you. So I had to tell everyone you forced me to kiss you, but did you have to tell them you saw me naked to find out if I have white patches all over? You’re such a bad boy Dhruv I’m going to fall in love with you when we meet in college but not before I make you feel like a piece of shit.

D: But first, Aranya, I’m going to sleep with all these girls and then tell their parents their daughters are s***s. Oh I’m such a bad boy. And I promise you I’ll never bathe and my dorm room will be filthy.

A: But you’ll work out all the time and have only protein shakes and some sexy chick named Ritika will fall for you and you’ll f**k her brainless… oh wait, she never had any in the first place if she falls for you.

D : So, forest essentials, is Prof Raghuvir in your pants yet?

A: I love him, get it? A physics genius at 29 who sleeps with all his research assistants, what’s not to love? But then the only thing you ever loved is attached to you, isn’t it… but is it even big enough to see?

D: You’re so funny, you tub of lard who thinks you can beat me on grades, not to mention Temple Run.

A : Give up now, Dhruv. I hate you but I love you but I’ll sleep with anyone who’ll sleep with me but what’s love got to do with sex because it’s you I love and that girlfriend of yours is a s*****h moron or a moronic s**t and you’re destined to love me.

D: Last I looked, I was with Ritika in bed and you were on the terrace watching porn on your laptop. AND I DON’T WANT TO KNOW THE CONFIGURATION. Who’s the loser here?

A: Dhruv, Rags is leaving Delhi and going to Bangalore! Take me to meet him at three in the morning on your motorbike and when your skinny girlfriend comes to know ditch her because you love me although I love Rags and am doing this to you to punish you because you are a very bad boy whom I want to forget but can’t and I know my dad will beat you up and I hope you beat him up too but you won’t because you’re actually a good boy and oh my god.

D: Aranya, go marry Raghuvir and never talk to me again but you will drive me completely insane. Here I am, a role model to today’s youth, capable of seducing any woman with my hot bod even though my room is filthy and I have never read a book or watched a good film in my life and I don’t think I have any friends either, everyone’s either someone I want to sleep with or someone I don’t, or my parents or my teachers. I want to be that role model forever because obviously people love boys like me. If you mess with my mind I might turn into a decent guy and HOW WILL DURJOY’S BOOK SELL THEN???

A: I did it. Or rather, Raghuvir did it. He got me a job in his company in Bangalore and got me a flat and now we’re sleeping together. I’m his post-doc project, he wants to make me love him. But the truth is that I want you. So I’m going to call you while we make love and make you hear everything and become insanely jealous.

“ D: Stop playing with words, you witch.

A: F**k you.

D: F**k you.

A: We are so f****d up.

A: That we are. And that’s why we were meant to be.”

And is that why this novel was meant to be top of the charts? We are so f****d up.

(This monthly column helps you talk about a book without having to read it.)

Arunava Sinha translates classic and contemporary Bengali fiction and non-fiction into English

Follow Arunava on Twitter @arunava

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