IRRITABLE VOWEL SYNDROME. That library in Afghanistan

Last week, US President Donald Trump took a jibe at PM Narendra Modi for funding a library in Afghanistan.

“Don’t know who’s using it in Afghanistan,” he said.

Donald knows everything about libraries. And he’s right. If it is

built by us Indians, then no one is using it. Because we specialise in making libraries that no one can access.

Seen in this light, Trump’s statement makes sense. Because if Indians are running a library, they’d make sure no one gets to read anything.

Donald knows everything.

Let me start with school. Allahabad. Rows and rows of books imprisoned behind glass. Enid Blytons and Biggles and Tell Me Why s. Don’t touch. We were given five books to choose from every Friday. And they gifted me the same Robert Ludlum ( The Bourne Conspiracy ), in ant-sized type, year after year, for winning the English prize.

In St. Stephen’s College, the library workers functioned under some DU union, not in the college’s control. Our philosophy teacher, Vijay Tankha, lent us his own books.

I want a book. I want that book. Why isn’t it there? If it’s there, why can’t I have it? Knowledge is power. If there is an illiterate Indian behind the counter, he will not let us access it.

Power. Books. Books, Power. The unlettered control the letter. That’s what we learnt.

I cross the road and join the Delhi School of Economics. The famed Ratan Tata Library (RTL). In the café, over mutton dosas, students whisper about the secret key that Jean Drèze has to it. I need a Max Weber classic. Everyone needs that Max Weber classic. It’s denied to us.

Fortunately, our professor Andre Beteille’s study has an open door. He’s always typing on his typewriter. I drop in to ask the silliest questions: Sorry, but what does the word ‘heuristic’ mean? Andre is never disturbed or grumpy, like the librarian is. So one day I go up to Andre’s study and lodge a complaint. Andre marches down with me to the RTL: Let me have a look.

Multiple copies of the book are suddenly made available.

I go to up to Oxford. Multiple libraries, open at all odd hours. I am allowed to read in the ‘rare manuscripts’ section of the Bodleian. Even though the rare manuscripts have nothing to do with me. When I get tired of my philosophy and politics reading list, I go to my tutor and demand I be admitted to the English faculty library. He says: But Balliol has an excellent literature section. I say, no, I want to read Bernard Malamud, Isaac Bashevis Singer, Cynthia Ozick, not available in the college library. Within a day, I get access to it.

The Allahabad Public Library, for example, made it as hard as possible for the odd Italian researching early 20th-century popular Hindi fiction; the Indian motto is: When we are not reading this, then why should you? Books then become outdated currency notes rotting away in an unopened bank locker.

Perhaps what Trump really means is: What’s the BJP lining this library in Afghanistan with?

Volumes from the Lovely University Press, which compile proceedings from the 106th Indian Science Congress: Einstein, Newton and Hawking are bunkum; Ravan owned a Pushpak Viman and 24 types of aircraft; the theory of gravitation to be replaced with ‘Modi Waves’; Kauravas in the Mahabharata were test tube babies produced by stem cell technology; the Indian dinosaur from Gujarat has been named “ Rajasauras narmadaensis ”.

As Panjab University geologist Ashu Khosla explained recently to The Indian Express : “Brahma was completely aware of the existence of dinosaurs and even mentioned it in the Vedas. “It is from our Vedas that Americans and Britishers took concept of dinosaurs...even the word dinosaur has its origin in Sanskrit... daayan (witch) and saur , which otherwise means lizard..related to asur (demon) in Sanskrit... It was believed that Rajasauras was linked to Tyrannnosauras which had origins in North America, but we proved that Rajasauras was a new dinosaur and originated in India.” It is reported that it was at this stage that communication broke down between the two leaders. Trump stomped his foot and harrumphed: Leave the dinosaurs to us and Steven (Spielberg).

PALASH KRISHNA MEHROTRA

Palash Krishna Mehrotra is the author of Eunuch Park and the editor of House Spirit: Drinking in India

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