Reader's Die Jest. Three in one

In her New York law firm, the brilliant young intern Lavanya is having problems with her boss, whom she is desperately trying to impress. Professionally, of course. Not ‘impress’ the way the young men in this mash-up want to impress the young women. Frustrated by his hostility, she naturally takes to cocaine or heroin — something that involves needles, anyway — and becomes HIV positive after all these years. OK, months.

As Lavanya then flies back to her Delhi home to a mother she cares for and a father she hates, unknown to her, Rivannah, another young woman in her first job in India’s NYC, aka Mumbai, is giving her boyfriend a hand-job in a local train with a sly smile on her face while she is being stalked by someone with the same mobile number as hers, saying, marry me, stranger.

Meanwhile, in nearby Pune, Virat is composing and sending long text messages to romance Mahek (or Mehak, depending on the proofreader’s preferences) while doing innocent and fun things with his best friend Kavya, thus offering a role model to millions of young Indian women for making both his best girl friend and girlfriend the password of his life.

All this time, it does not occur to Shourya to take drugs, if only to cure his imbecility for living in the same apartment as his ex-girlfriend Deepti and his ex-best friend Avik, who are now an item. Not only should Shourya have taken them to end the novel, he should also have given some to Rohan, who has been told by his Muslim girlfriend Zoya that they cannot see each other anymore because neither society nor her parents will accept it.

But Zoya is really Lavanya from the other novel because she too is HIV positive. Lavanya creates a bucket list of things to do before she dies while Rivannah is a bucket case because someone is out to get her. Is it her boyfriend Ekansh? Is it her admirer-from-college-now-turned-colleague Prateek? Is it the author, who realises what a boring character he has created and wants to kill her off?

It might even be Shourya, who has always loved Lavanya, but hooked up with Deepti, whom he is now stalking. So while Shourya helps Lavanya tick off items on her bucket list in Delhi, he may well be dashing off to Mumbai to send creepy embroidered notes and text messages to Rivannah. Of course, he has to take help from Virat when it comes to composing those long messages, and because Virat can only write idiotic love texts it all gets very confusing and Rivannah wants to give a foot-job to the mystery man in her life.

Meanwhile, Ekansh is two-timing Rivannah, wants her to be just like Zoya, who still loves Rohan but asks him to find another girlfriend because she is all noble of heart. That’s because Ekansh wants to have both Rivannah and the other girl he’s dating, but he’s no Virat, and he cannot possibly maintain this fine balance.

So Rivannah ditches him and finds Danny, who’s a hot bod and conveniently located for trysts in bed. But her stranger is still relentlessly stalking her, and who knows, perhaps it’s Riddhima and not Shourya. Riddhima teaches Rohan French, and of course the language is not the only thing French she wants to teach him, but he’s friendzoned her, so she might be creeping out Rivannah on the side.

However, Riddhima has a secret cupid strategy: she forces Rohan to have his medicine every day till he realises that she loves him. In the meantime Kavya has gone and had an accident and been blinded — because Hindi cinema — so all the women in our mash-up novel are sick, either in mind or body, while all the men are either confused twits or bouncing off the walls with their hormones.

But Shourya and Lavanya declare their love for each other, which would have been oh so noble had Shourya not been, give or take a few intelligence points, a cretin. But Virat’s creator has had enough of him and kills him in the German Bakery explosion — a technique of referencing real-life tragedies that a number of writers are using these days, with callous disregard for the actual victims of those events.

Rivannah (can a good Bengali girl ever be named Rivannah?) waits for her stalker, because the story is to be continued, Mehak dances the salsa with a Khalsa (ok, not really) and is best friends with Kavya, and Zoya/Lavanya and whatshisname the idiot all prove that plot is more important than character, motivation, nuance, originality or depth when it comes to penning — yes, you ‘pen’ a novel, you don’t write it — romances.

There. Three books punched into one storyline. The only other thing that counts? Marry your BFF. Because “friendship is the only ship that doesn’t sink”. Whatever floats your boat.

(This monthly column helps you talk about a book without having to read it.)

Arunava Sinha translates classic, contemporary Bengali fiction, non-fiction into English; @arunava

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