READER’S DIE JEST. Two insufferable earths

Mr Kemp, the doctor will see you now.

Kent.

Good evening, Kemp.

It’s Kent, Wayne. And we can cut the charade. We knew who we are.

Didn’t you like it, Kent, when no one knew you were Superman? Whatever happened to the secret identity and changing into your costume in a phone booth?

Wayne, I’m the one who’s supposed to ask the questions.

That’s in your world, Kent. You’ve crossed over to another world now. In this one, the movie was never made.

Ah, that explains why I don’t see anyone wailing and gnashing their teeth outside movie halls.

Hello, Clark.

Who… who are you? You look just like me.

I AM you. Just older.

Hello, Bruce.

Ah, you must be Bruce Wayne. I’m Bruce Wayne.

Whee, now we have four superheroes for the price of two.

Who said that?

Meeeeee.

Who are you, strange looking goddess?

I’m here with a message which will make no sense to anyone but hardcore comic fans. There is an evil god out there and he wants to pick one of your two worlds to destroy.

Two worlds?

Duh. Did you think there were two Supermans and two Batmans in one world? I’ve just brought you people together from your respective worlds to solve this problem.

Oh hi, Diana.

What are YOU doing here, Wonderwoman?

I don’t know. Was this some crazed scriptwriter’s idea?

Which Lois are you, Lois — from his world or mine?

Yours, Clark. We’re married, remember? The young Clark is still in Smallville. He doesn’t even have a proper costume, he’s in jeans. Hey Clark, you’re cute, are you dating anyone?

This is so confusing. What about Bruce, Bruce? Are you twins? Are our parents dead in both worlds?

Martha…

Who mentioned my mother?

She’s not your mother, she’s mine.

Ours. Martha Wayne.

She’s ours too. Martha Kemp. I mean Kent.

Hell, we didn’t even know Metropolis and Gotham City were in the same world.

Hee hee hee. Never seen a bunch of more confused superheroes. At least you’re lucky I didn’t throw in that Lex Luthor who looks like Mark Zuckerberg on drugs.

Clark. I feel like I know you already. Did we meet when we were children?

You and I didn’t, but maybe those two did. Those older dudes. That other Clark and other Bruce.

Of course we did, kids. Alfred was driving Bruce through our town when their car broke down and Bruce taught me how to fight. Can’t you see how close we are now?

So wait, in your world, Clark and Bruce are friends but in our world we just met?

If you’re done with the navel-gazing, superheroes and heroine and Lois Lane, I need to tell you something important. There’s a shard that you mustn’t destroy because it’s a weapon against the evil lord. But the evil lord is pitting your worlds against one another to see which one’s better. So I teleported all of you into one space so you can solve the problem but also confuse the shit out of us all.

But what’s Wonderwoman doing here? I want to be the only love interest around here.

Hush, Lois. She can fight. She WILL fight.

No! Clark… stop, don’t destroy the shard…

Muhahahaha too late. Also, I’m evil. I’m an evil Superman.

I want to be an evil Batman too.

No, Bruce. Let’s go back to your house.

Diana? Now? You don’t want to be Wonderwoman and take the villains down?

Clark! In my world my parents are still alive.

Hey, Wayne, what’s with the kid in the park I saved from bullies?

Oh. My. God.

Yes?

Yes?

Yes?

Yes?

Oh shut up, all four of you. I really regret bringing two Supermans and two Batmans together. Do you know they stole my Wonderwoman idea in the movie? No royalties either.

Wayne!

Yes, Kent?

It’s Kemp. I don’t want to be Superman in this crazy comic book any more.

I’ve already changed my name to Batshitcrazyman.

What do we do now? Are we two or four?

I don’t know.

Nor do I.

Nor do I.

Nor do I.

(This monthly column helps you talk about a book without having to read it)

Arunava Sinha translates classic and contemporary Bengali fiction and non-fiction into English. Follow Arunava on Twitter @arunava

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