I feel a little intimidated by the flowing locks of Papa CJ. I adjust my own hair in the reflection of his impossibly shiny shoes. His chest is slightly concave from the impact of women who constantly throw themselves at him. The veteran comedian is depressed. I detect a hint of tears behind his spectacles. “I knew this day would come,” he says, “Politicians are getting into everything. Cricket. Cinema. Tea. Airlines. Ayurvedic medicine. Boxing. Big Boss. Why should comedy be any different? But why did it have to be Sharad Pawar? Who can compete with him? After that man Harvinder Singh slapped him on November 24, 2011, he was beaten up in Delhi in December, January, February. The police refused to file any cases, until local papers requested them. I don’t think anyone was arrested.”

“But the same man did throw a flowerpot at Kapil Sibal in 2013,” I say, hoping to cheer him up. “He missed by just a few inches.”

“That’s true,” he says, brightening considerably, “His accuracy is improving. You can’t keep a good man down. After all, he is an admirer of Bhagat Singh. But all of us can’t be brave like him. I’m averse to physical pain. If Pawar’s followers demand that I tell bad jokes, I’m going to agree instantly. In fact, I’m thinking of going back to the UK, where the most I have to fear is hard-boiled eggs. Sometimes they pour beer on my head.”

Papa CJ is not alone. The announcement of the National Comedy Tour by Pawar has led to widespread depression amongst the nation’s comedians. The tall leader of Maharashtra took this novel decision after the success of his recent comedy routine at a rally in Mumbai, where he urged his supporters to vote in Mumbai, wipe the ink off their fingers, and vote again in Satara. On being questioned by the Election Commission, he revealed that he meant this ‘in a lighter vein’. The Election Commission has punished him by ‘accepting apology’.

Capitalising on this success, his National Comedy Tour will start after the elections, and cover 16 towns in Maharashtra, along with three in Switzerland. The leader will be accompanied by his nephew, who will perform magic tricks, including a personal version of magician PC Sorcar’s famous ‘Water of India’, in which an empty glass keeps magically refilling itself. The NCP will also be changing its name to the National Comedy Party, with the slogan, ‘A smile on every face… or we’ll come to your house.’

A girl rushes past me and tries to leap on Papa CJ. He remains sunken in gloom. He pushes her away listlessly. “Leave me alone,” he says, “I’m yesterday’s news.”

ASK ALLY

Ally Subramaniam was born in south-west Sundarbans, but was blown away by a cyclone and washed up on the shore near Chennai. He was adopted by a poor Brahmin family from Tirupur. He can answer all your questions at >askallysubramaniam@gmail.com

Dear Ally, In my dreams, sometimes I’m Rajnikanth. Then I wake up. Help! Regards, Mani, Tirunelveli

Dear Mani,

In our dreams, all of us are Rajinikanth. This is nothing unusual. The beauty of Rajnikanth is that he is still Rajnikanth when he is awake. However your question is very poorly framed, perhaps due to lack of sleep. Is it that you prefer not to wake up? Then the key question is, do you dream when unconscious? If so, you could position a loved one with a cricket bat close to your bed. He or she can then tap you firmly whenever it seems like you are waking up. In this way you can maximise your time spent as Rajnikanth.

Alternatively, perhaps you are asking how you can possibly get through your waking hours, knowing that you are not Rajnikanth. I find that nachos help. Large quantities of cheap alcohol could also be a solution. I am suggesting cheap alcohol because you must not be working much, given your sleep schedule. Whichever path you choose, you must remember one thing. Being Rajnikanth is a heavy responsibility. You must never treat it lightly.

Yours truly, Ally

Haryana Khap Demands Vote For Buffaloes!

Basanti’s eyes are like limpid pools. Through them you can see the gentle soul within. I can understand Gangu Ram’s affection for her as he stands there, nuzzling her neck lovingly. She seems like a fine, upstanding citizen, although in this case, she is standing on four legs.

“The social composition of our state is changing,” says village pradhan Gangu Ram, patting Basanti’s head, “Many young people have turned 18, and become old enough to vote. In Haryana, only 30 per cent of them are girls. Society is in peril. We need to correct this imbalance. If our buffalos are allowed to vote, we can make up the gap. It will also mean a proper representation of our village society.”

Basanti nods her head. She seems to like the idea of enfranchisement. I imagine she will vote for the BJP, given their position on cows. Unless the Congress revives its cow-and-calf symbol, later replaced by the hand. Apparently, they almost chose an elephant, because Buta Singh got confused between haath and haathi, until Narasimha Rao explained everything. No doubt, surveys will soon be conducted to investigate bovine preferences. That’s when things will become clearer. Overall, some adjustment will be required. I foresee problems getting them into polling booths, for example. Also, once they have the right to vote, how long before some of them decide to fight elections? Eventually, will they not aspire to ministerial positions?

“Aren’t you afraid that one day a buffalo may become a minister?” I ask. Gangu Ram laughs uproariously, slapping Basanti’s flank. Basanti eyes him indulgently, chewing.

“We’ve had that for years,” he says.

(The Investigator is a fortnightly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.)

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of The Competent Authority. Follow Shovon on Twitter >@shovonc

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