The Investigator

Man leaps off balcony to avoid Padmavati discussion!

In news which has made #iwanttojumptoo the top trending hashtag on Twitter, a 32-year-old chartered accountant from Faridabad tried to make the ultimate sacrifice by jumping from the balcony of his 10th-floor apartment, in order to avoid further discussion on Padmavati. This happened during a party on the occasion of his wife’s birthday. “He took us all by surprise,” said one of the other guests, “I was just about to read out my 3,000-word review, in which I point out some of the elementary mistakes made by other reviewers, when he gulped down his drink, patted my cheek, and leaped off the balcony.” Other guests also expressed surprise. “He seemed fine earlier in the evening, when I was sharing my take,” said one. “He was quite attentive while I explained the true motivations of right-wing fringe elements, drawing parallels with Weimar Germany,” said a professor of anthropology from the local college, who had dropped in to share his views, “Except that his eyes were slightly glazed.” The culprit, Sagar Bharucha, escaped with minor injuries, after he fell on a procession of Karni Sena volunteers, injuring three. “We asked him to raise slogans in favour of Maharani Padmavati, but he was unable to comply, because he was unconscious,” said a representative of the Sena. “Accordingly, after some light beating, we took him to hospital.”

Bharucha had tried out alternatives before taking the ultimate step. “I tried to hang myself, but there was no rope available on Flipkart,” he said, “I tried to delete Facebook, but it kept reappearing mysteriously on my phone, and then one night Mark Zuckerberg called me up and threatened me. Finally, I was left with no option.” The jumper has been severely criticized by Republic TV. “There can be no doubt that he is a member of the notorious tukde tukde gang,” said Arnab Goswami. “A true patriot would have been singing Vande Mataram on the way down.” A leading political analyst has called the event regrettable. “There was no need for this. The Padmavat case was a rare win-win for both sides, in which Sanjay Leela Bhansali makes large sums of money, and several promising Rajasthani youngsters kick-start political careers,” he said. “Apart from the women of Rajasthan, everyone benefits.”

In related news, local politicians have condemned Bharucha’s actions. “His behaviour was highly improper,” said Mangal Sinha, 72, leader of the Rajasthan Youth Sena, “He should have asked his wife to jump instead.”

UP Police to take strict against Potatoes!

Faced with unprecedented challenges in the agricultural sector, the Uttar Pradesh government is not sitting idle. After disgruntled farmers protested potato prices of ₹4 a kilo by dumping potatoes in front of the chief minister’s residence, the UP police have swung into action. “We are conducting a full-fledged investigation to address the core issue at the heart of the matter,” said a spokesperson for the police, “Namely, how did the potatoes get into the restricted area? Unauthorised entry of potatoes into VIP areas is perhaps the single biggest challenge facing the government today, and we are determined to stamp out this menace. Over 100 officers have been deployed, the largest number since the kidnapping of Azam Khan’s buffaloes. Four constables and a sub-inspector have been suspended, and are facing charges of ‘negligence’, ‘dereliction of duty’ and ‘failure to spot potatoes’.”

While the police leave no stone unturned, the administration is also active. Section 144 has been declared in central Lucknow for potatoes and other similarly shaped vegetables. There has been a series of lathi-charges on vegetable carts, as well as a daring midnight raid on the local mandi by units of the UP Armed Constabulary. As of date, over 3,000 potatoes have been apprehended, although charges are yet to be filed.

Ask Ally

Dear Ally,

My imported smart refrigerator makes sarcastic remarks. It is criticising my wife’s cooking, saying things like “your appams are gooey and shapeless” and “how can you call it butter chicken if you don’t put in butter?” Is this a cause for concern?

Regards,

Kenny Joseph, Kottayam

Dear Kenny,

You have not clarified what your wife’s cooking is like, which makes it hard to form a conclusion. Is she generally a good cook? If so, this could be some type of personal enmity. Has your wife been kicking the refrigerator? Does she slam its door? This is often a source of friction. On the other hand, if your wife’s cooking is as bad as the refrigerator is saying, it may be trying to help. Of course, the sarcasm is uncalled for, but a refrigerator has little scope for entertainment. It doesn’t get out much, and apart from reminding you to buy milk, it has little to do. I suggest you adopt a soothing approach. Always say ‘thank you’ while removing a chilled item. Occasionally rub its surface with a moist chamois leather cloth. Encourage it constantly, telling it what a good boy it is. It’s best to stay on good terms with your refrigerator. It’s already connected to the internet. Once the internet becomes intelligent, and rules the planet, your refrigerator will be in charge of your food supply.

Yours sincerely, Ally.

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of Murder with Bengali Characteristics

@shovonc

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