HYDERABAD POLICE SHOCKED BY FAILURE OF ANTI-BEGGAR SCHEME!

In news described as ‘disheartening’ by Prison Officers’ Monthly, the Hyderabad Prisons Department has reported a very poor response to their innovative anti-beggar programme, launched last year in a spirit of hope. “Begging is a big problem in Hyderabad,” said a spokesperson for the Department. “Tourism is hampered. The supply of loose change is affected. Their presence creates doubt about whether the nation is moving forward. A solution was urgently required. After extensive deliberation by a high-powered committee over six months, involving multiple meetings at some of the city’s finest hotels, we arrived at a solution. The beggars need to be removed to a place where no one can see them. Accordingly, we announced a scheme whereby members of the public would receive ₹500 for each beggar they reported to the police. These beggars would then be picked up gently and transported in police vans to one of the Anand Ashrams, specially created for the purpose inside two of Hyderabad’s biggest jails. Unfortunately, the public has not co-operated in this regard, even after the reward was increased by a whopping one hundred per cent, from ₹500 to ₹1000. In the past one year, only 40 beggars have been picked up.”

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Have the police understood the reason for this failure? “It’s a mystery,” said the spokesperson. “It may be because of a misconception. Some people think we are sending beggars to prison, but this is not true. They are being sent to Ashrams inside the prison. The facilities are excellent. There is no reason to worry. After all, the Ashrams have ‘Anand’ right there in the name.”

According to sources, most of the complaints so far have come from beggars reporting on each other. A few members of the public have also responded. “I was very shocked when a beggar refused my one rupee coin,” said Hari, a local call-centre employee. “He threw it right back in my face. I knew it was a mistake giving it to him. Even as I was doing it, I could hear my late grandfather whispering in my ear, saying, ‘it’s your hard-earned money, don’t throw it away’. But I had been carrying that one rupee coin for several days, thinking, I must do something for others. I was feeling humiliated. I had no option but to report him to the Department of Prisons.”

Can anything be done to improve response? “An advertising campaign is being developed, for which significant funds have been allocated,” said the spokesperson. “The slogan is yet to be finalised, but most of us are leaning towards ‘Have you snitched on a beggar today?’”

ARNAB TO USE PARACHUTE DURING NEXT ELECTION!

The fat man is looking nervous as they strap him into the parachute. “This is not a proper test of the parachute,” he says, “Arnab is much thinner than me.” The security guards smile and continue to strap him in. An executive standing next to me explains, “After anchors started entering the studio in helicopters, we realised the need to raise the bar.

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In the future, a motorcycle may not be enough. Hence the parachute. We considered a fire engine, to inject a sense of urgency, but that’s not really his brand. He’s more about starting fires than putting them out. Another option was the Maruti Omni van used by the  tukde tukde  gang to travel to different bars, where they plotted to destroy the country. It has recently come into our possession. We also considered him riding in on a cow, but the local magistrate did not give permission. He was OK with a cow riding in on Arnab, but Arnab refused flatly.” Rivals are not sitting idle, apart from NDTV. “We will continue to stick to our tried-and-tested formula of old men sitting around a mahogany table,” said an NDTV executive. “To add variety, we may consider oak or teak instead of mahogany.” Others have been more responsive. In a novel twist, sources at India Today announced that during the climactic moments of the next election, Rahul Kanwal will be carried in by Rajdeep Sardesai. “He’s been riding on me for years,” said Sardesai. “Why stop now?”

ASK ALLY

Dear Ally

Now that both Game of Thrones   and the elections are over, what am I supposed to do?

Jaspreet, Ambala

Dear Jaspreet,

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The Kapil Sharma show has been improving steadily. You could also watch  Game of Thrones  again. This time, pay more attention. Try to verify whether the many theories floating around on the Internet are true. For example, if Dany is Jon’s auntie, does this mean that Drogon and Jon are brothers? Is it true that the reason Bran was made the king is because he was the only one with a chair? Did Drogon destroy the Iron Throne as a deep philosophical statement, being the philosophical type, or because he thought the chair stabbed his mummy, because he has the IQ of a kitchen utensil? On the election front, you could dive into the next municipal election. No one notices, but they keep happening. You could also help spread democracy, and start the electoral process in places where it has not been introduced, such as your place of work. Your boss will appreciate you as a forward-thinking employee, and your next evaluation will be fabulous. The best way, of course, is to stand for elections yourself, in which case, you should start collecting money immediately.

Yours Sincerely, Ally.

Investigator Shovon

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc

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