Talk

The Investigator

Shovon Chowdhury | Updated on November 08, 2019 Published on November 08, 2019

We dig for the truth. So you don't have to

REVEALED! POLLUTION IN DELHI DUE TO SMOKING BY NEHRU!

In news that has led to “WhenWillHeLetUsGo” and “WhatAboutShahRukhKhan” becoming the top trends on Twitter, government experts have determined that the current pollution levels in the National Capital Region are directly attributable to Jawaharlal Nehru, former prime minister and notorious smoker. “We had our suspicions from the beginning,” said a senior member of the Pollution Control Board. “People have been blaming farmers from Punjab, but how is this plausible? In order for the smoke to reach Delhi, it would have to cross over Punjab. This means they would be poisoning all Punjabis first, including the chief minister, who owns significant amounts of farmland. They would have to be complete idiots to do such a thing. Instead, we have discovered that the bulk of the pollution in Delhi is emerging from areas near the former residence of Nehru. This is supported by eyewitness accounts stating that he used to smoke on the lawns every evening, and sometimes in the bathroom also. We even have photographs. The evidence is irrefutable. This means that apart from engineering poverty, misguiding the youth, and causing India’s recent defeat against Bangladesh, he has also been destroying our lungs,” he said. In order to get the other side of the story, we interviewed a statue of Nehru, currently stored in a godown near Badarpur. The statue has expressed regret. “I was already feeling guilty about the Chandrayaan thing,” said the statue. “Now I wish I had smoked a pipe instead. It spreads less smoke, and looks much more distinguished.”

In related news, citizens of Delhi have expressed dissatisfaction with the advice given by government officials on fighting pollution. “I left the house chewing carrots,” said Santokh Singh, a resident of Majnu ka Tila, “and by evening I was suffering from acute bronchitis. Subsequently, I listened to music and prayed to Lord Indra, but still there was no improvement. When I raised this with my local councillor, he said that I was listening to the wrong kind of music. In addition, he has suggested buying a cow, which he says will convert carbon dioxide into oxygen, but I remain doubtful.” Meanwhile, government teams are leaving no stone unturned in tackling the issue, and are monitoring the situation very closely. “We will continue to monitor until the problem solves itself,” said an official.

Other government sources have recently suggested that the pollution problem may have been caused by poisonous gas released by Pakistan. Does this not contradict the earlier stand on Nehru? “Not at all,” said a government spokesperson, “we cannot rule out the possibility that they were working together.”

ANONYMOUS FOREIGNERS TO BUY MORE ELECTORAL BONDS!

After the smashing performance of the electoral bond scheme in the last financial year, with collections crossing ₹6,000 crore, anonymous foreigners across the world have expressed widespread enthusiasm. “I am proud to be part of this,” said a prominent anonymous investor, whom we met in a dark lane behind the Taj Mahal Palace in Mumbai. He is currently following up with the government regarding returns on his investment. “This scheme is in the finest of democratic traditions,” he said. “All of us are equally anonymous. There is no discrimination on the basis of nationality.

Even Chinese and Pakistanis are welcome, and there is no way for anyone to know if they are contributing. I can only say that my friends in both countries are very enthusiastic. The fact that the ruling party is willing to protect my identity from the public shows how committed they are to individual privacy. I can also choose which party I donate to, so, in a sense, it’s just like voting. Not that I’m favouring the ruling party. I donate a little bit to the others, too, just in case.”

Analysts predict further improvement in cash flows. “It’s not that countries have never been sold before,” said Mr Roger Kaputnik, a prominent investment expert. “But usually, we can make out who’s buying. The anonymity is what makes this scheme special. The global approach makes it highly scalable. We predict that it will grow and grow.”

POLICE AND LAWYERS AGREE TO BEAT UP THIRD PARTIES!

In news described as “somewhat disturbing” by the Association of Indian Journalists, lawyers and police in Delhi have agreed to stop beating each other up. Instead, they will beat up third parties. “We will divide up the work for greater efficiency,” said a representative of the lawyers. “We will follow the same mechanism as the Odd-Even scheme.

 

On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, we will beat up people, while on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, it will be the turn of the police. On Sundays we will rest, so that we can beat up people with fresh energy from Monday again.” Have any candidates for beating up been identified? “Journalists are a popular choice. Here, also, we will approach the matter in a spirit of co-operation. Sometimes we will beat them up, while the police hold their cameras. At other times, the police will beat them up, while we hold their cameras. Undertrials within court premises will be handled similarly. Sometimes we will hold them, while the police beat them up, while at other times, the police will hold them, while we beat them up. These are just initial priority areas. We want to assure the public that they will not be left out. Whenever time permits, we will beat them up also. An affidavit has already been drawn up, placing this agreement on record. Now all we need to do is beat up a first-class magistrate, so that he attests it.”

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of Murder with Bengali Characteristics
 

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc

Published on November 08, 2019
  1. Comments will be moderated by The Hindu Business Line editorial team.
  2. Comments that are abusive, personal, incendiary or irrelevant cannot be published.
  3. Please write complete sentences. Do not type comments in all capital letters, or in all lower case letters, or using abbreviated text. (example: u cannot substitute for you, d is not 'the', n is not 'and').
  4. We may remove hyperlinks within comments.
  5. Please use a genuine email ID and provide your name, to avoid rejection.