The Investigator

Arnab to lead tank attack in kutch sector!

The tank looks broader and heavier than other tanks. It has armour-plated pods attached to its sides. The MoD official slaps it proudly. “We are deploying Arnab in the Kutch sector,” he says. “This tank has been modified to take the additional weight. The pods have been attached to the sides so that his studio guests can ride with him. They can also be ejected from the main body of the tank in case things become tricky. This could place them at risk in battle situations, but since they are people who have agreed to become guests on his show, they should be okay with pain and suffering. An alternative suggestion was for him to lead the submarine attack on Karachi. The hot air would have improved the buoyancy. Unfortunately, his head was too large, and kept getting stuck in the hatch. Also, in a submarine, it would be harder for his companions to escape. This seemed inhuman. We demand many sacrifices from our military personnel, but there has to be some kind of limit. In a tank, they can at least leap out and rush towards the enemy, embracing the sweet, sweet release of death. In a submarine this would be more difficult. The tank also allows us to utilise the hot air more efficiently. Thanks to design inputs from an IIT student, the hot air will be ejected in a powerful stream from the rear of the tank, thus enabling it to reach Islamabad faster.”

“Is Arnab the only media personality to participate in our war effort?” I enquire. “Not at all,” says the defence ministry official, “Rajdeep is much fitter, so he will be parachuting into Sialkot. The CNN anchor who wore a combat jacket on his show, whose name no one can remember, will be fired across the border by a catapult. His bullet head makes him more aerodynamic. Vir Sanghvi will fly over Lahore and shower poor-quality snacks from B-grade restaurants. Why just the media? Patriots across the country will join the battle. Noted cine star Ajay Devgn will be flinging his wife Kajol over the border, where she will look for the letter ‘u’, which has been missing from his name since 2012. We expect a stream of applications from non-celebrities. Jagdish Kumar from Chhattarpur has offered the services of his mother-in-law, saying that she is freakishly strong, good with a rolling pin, and regularly loses it while watching news on TV.”

Pakistan offers Bilawal Bhutto for Rahul Gandhi!

In news described as “heartwarming” by the Society for Protection of Family Values, Pakistani officials have confirmed that they are willing to exchange Bilawal Bhutto for Rahul Gandhi, in the interests of peace. According to sources, Bhutto will be sent across as soon as his underlings have finished studying for his MA exams. However, in a move which could jeopardise the proposal, elements of Pakistani society have rejected it as yet another example of Indian trickery.

“Rahul Gandhi is more than 20 years older than Bilawal,” said Maulana Masood, a cleric, “Would you exchange a five-year-old cow for a two-year-old cow? Young Bilawal will provide entertainment for many more years.” Keen on peace, and alive to Pakistani concerns, Indian officials have offered an exchange rate of one Bilawal Bhutto for one Rahul Gandhi, plus Sachin Pilot, Pankaja Munde, Honourable Maharajadhiraj Jyotiraditya Scindia, Azhagiri, Stalin, Mamata Banerjee’s nephew, all male relatives of Mulayam Singh Yadav below the age of 25, and Ranbir Kapoor. “This could be a game changer,” said Vikas Swarup, ministry of external affairs spokesperson. “In management terms, it’s known as a win-win.” Reactions on Twitter have generally been favourable, but extremist Pakistani opinion continues to be a concern area. Are there no circumstances under which they will accept this offer? “Only if they throw in Alia Bhatt,” said Maulana Masood.

Samsung announces new phone with flame-thrower!

After puzzling the tech world with a series of explosions, Samsung has finally revealed its master plan. “Even though he is now advertising pan masala, James Bond remains an inspirational figure,” said a company spokesperson. “Women desire him. Men want to be like him. When it comes to devices, this raises the bar. People expect their devices to be more capable of inflicting harm. Plus, for some time now, mobile phones have become a lifestyle tool. Violence is an integral part of modern lifestyle. Our entire range is being revamped to reflect this.

The most recent Note was just the beginning. The next generation Note will come with a built-in flame-thrower. The phone will have a special ‘surprise’ mode, which cannot be disabled; using which the phone will surprise you by suddenly shooting out flames from time to time. The new Edge will come with a special razor-sharp edge, ideal for lethal, silent assaults or slicing cheese. Cheaper models will fire poison darts, although the poison will have to be purchased separately. Our entry-level model will come with a powdered fuse and a simple instruction manual. We hope to ship it in India in time for Diwali.” Despite these market-friendly moves by the company, many consumers are not convinced. “I prefer the iPhone 7 and financial ruin,” said Bitty Raina, a housewife from Mohali.

The Investigator is a fortnightly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of The Competent Authority; @shovonc

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